****Seriously, what is up with these hormones. 3 posts in a week? So much of my creative juices have been wrapped up in life, I guess they are starting to ooze out again.****
"Maybe you and I were never meant to be complete
Could we just be broken together?
If you can bring your shattered dreams and I'll bring mine
Could healing still be spoken and save us
The only way we will last forever is broken together." - Casting Crowns
Yesterday, I heard this song on the radio. Now, I've heard it before, but never had I had the opportunity to really *listen* to it. Yesterday was a rare occurrence where I was in the car completely alone. Seriously, never happens.
Anyway, I was listening to the lyrics and was struck. Not about how the song was actually talking about marriage. Which I did realize that. But it struck me more about my relationship with God right now.
And it got me asking, why do we spend so much time pretending we are NOT broken. Broken in all of our relationships in some way. No one and no relationship is perfect.
Not even those with a strong faith and relationship with God.
We are ALL broken together.
So I'll start. How am I broken? Well, the current thought that prompted me to look into this song and this blog was my current "broken" relationship with God. Not necessarily broken in the terms of turned around and walked away as I am still trying to walk that path and do the work necessary to repair it. As I know the brokenness is on my end, not His. But broken in the sense of I am no longer able to trust God to have everything under control.
There. I said it.
Ever since I started on this journey of prematurity, 5.5 years ago. Truthfully, a lot of good came out of that experience and I recognize that. However, I will have to admit that I am not OK with that. I don't know that I will ever be OK with that. The ONLY ending to this current pregnancy that I will be OK with is one that ends full term and with a healthy baby and mom. I can't be OK with God's "under control."
Do good things come out of these things? Certainly. Can God speak and be heard through these things? Absolutely.
But is sitting by your child's bedside and watching them struggle and suffer a justifiable means to those ends? Watching a loved one with tubes and wires coming from all sorts of unmentionable areas, struggling for breath or to beat an illness? Burying your child before they even had a chance to live? Really, burying your child at all. Are any of these a justifiable means to an end?
No. I honestly can not say I will ever say that it is.
Not that I expect life to always be roses and rainbows. Not that I don't recognize that He walks through it with me and puts the people in my life to help me through the valley's. I do. I just can't say that I can walk through life, currently, believing that I can trust Him to bring about MY ok.
Maybe it's an unrealistic expectation of mine. I don't know. But that's my broken. And maybe that's ok. And maybe we are just meant to be "broken together."