Kingz

No cheese!

2012-01-27T14:04:00.004-06:00

You know you have the camera out too much when this is your child's reaction to seeing it in your hands...

We were trying to get her to sing her part of the no more monkeys song. It's the cutest thing. Whenever she climbs on the bed she starts singing "no more monkeys jumping on the bed!". And if we sing the first part with her, she will finish up on her own.

But as you can tell she's camera shy, and this is about all I could get from her. Still cute!

It's amazing to me to watch her now. I love it, yes she has her two year old tantrum moments, but for the most part she is the cutest thing ever.

Just the other day, she gave me her opinion of the bills. Took the one I was paying away from me, promptly said "this goes in the trash!" and yup, you guessed it. Threw it away. Times like that you can't help but crack up.

She's come a long way in her attitude towards Aidan as well. She will bring him a paci on our request if he's fussing. Or points out the obvious "broders crying!" but follows up with a pat on the head and "it's ok broder! Mommy's here, daddy's here."

I love two. When she's not whining or throwing a tantrum, I really do love it.

Aidan?

This is one of the few pictures I've gotten of him talking, cooing and smiling. Instead of screaming. Aidan seems to have colic/reflux or whatever you want to call it. If he's not sleeping he's eating. If he's not eating, he's screaming head splitting screams that are only relieved by eating some more.

We've put him on some reflux meds, since he will eat until he spits up and then try to eat some more. The meds seemed to have helped with that as he isn't doing that with near the frequency he was.

He still, however, will not let me put him down. He will be passed out cold and I place him in his bed. 5 min later we are screaming bloody murder and he will not go back to sleep until after his next feed. The only time I am able to put him down is when we go to bed, and then only because I caved and moved him into our room. A friend let us borrow her co-sleeper and he goes in that sometimes, but mostly his bouncy seat.

Somehow he does more than smell me right now. As all of the leaving my scent tricks in his room didn't work. He knew immediately that I was gone and calmed the second i was back.

Really, buddy?

On the upside though, he is usually only waking once a night somewhere between 1:30-3:30 and then going back down until 6-7. A few times we've lucked out with a 4-5 wake up and then not up until after 8.

Hopefully that will become the norm soon...

Second child syndrome

2012-01-10T09:25:00.001-06:00

The second child syndrome. The one where there are hardly any pictures and the poor kid is left to cry for much longer than the first born was ever allowed.

Aidan was exactly one month old on Sunday, and in an effort to avoid as much of the second child syndrome as I could, I took some pictures of him yesterday. Just one day late!

He's still spending most of his time sleeping, but we are starting to get more and more awake times with him. I'm having a really hard time "comparing" him with Elisa and where she was developmentally at this point. I'm trying really hard to stop because there simply is NO comparison. It's funny how Elisa seems so "advanced" because by the time she was this size she was doing so much more.

Life is slowly forming some sort of "pattern" and "normalcy." Elisa accepts Aidan a bit more each day. Yesterday she actually shared her lobster beanie baby with him (a takeaway from the NICU) and the day before she gave him several kisses. Completely unprompted.

For whatever reason, she doesn't call him Aidan, but calls him "brother." It's the cutest thing.

Aidan looks so much like Elisa at this size that it's uncanny.

Elisa or Aidan?

They may look similar physically but I don't yet know if their personalities will be as similar. Elisa was very laid back as an infant, taking what came her way with hardly a hiccup. Might be able to thank her prematurity for that. Nothing seemed to really get her blood boiling.

Aidan, so far, is the opposite. Demanding, clingy and his way or the highway. Let's hope that lessens a bit as he grows or we are going to have a very interesting 18 years in this household.

The follow up to my confessions

2012-01-04T19:19:00.001-06:00

Let's just say, mommy wins. Again. Glad I listened to my own instincts and didn't change a thing i was doing in regards to feeding Aidan.

I mean just look at that round face. You wouldn't believe the rolls. They are nothing compared to some babies but compared to his sister? And he's HEAVY. My arms are starting to have fatigue holding him.

The verdict? 8lb 6oz. 11 oz gain in the two weeks since he was last seen. They want at least 0.5 oz a day. He almost got a whole oz a day. And that was without supplementing at ALL.

See? He just had a slow start. I sure hope I don't hear anything else on his weight. He's a chunker to me. Especially when his sister has never managed to get out f single digits on the percentages. I wouldn't be surprised if Aidan weighs more than her by his first birthday.

Speaking of Elisa. Yeah. Anything that's brothers is hers. Including his bed. She got a big surprise when both Andrew and I jumped and yelled when she tried to take Aidan's blanket out from under him. She's still not sure what to make of him. Mostly she ignores him unless he's taking our attention from her. I sure hope she settles down with this territorial stuff soon. Having one child stuck to me like glue is enough. Not sure how to juggle two, both wanting to be held all.the.time.

She's not always opposed to him, though. Like here, when she showed him how the toy worked. And basically played it for him.

I know this too shall pass. Right now I'm just hoping for a two year old to stop fighting bed time and a one month old who will let me put him down in his crib at night. This mommy and daddy need some sleep.

Happy birthday Daddy!

2011-12-29T17:30:00.001-06:00

Today was daddy's birthday and boy did we have fun.

First, we made daddy a very special birthday card!

I had a lot of fun coloring my card for daddy. He was very surprised! I even let Aidan sign his name to my card, because I'm such a good big sister!

Then, it was time to make daddy's birthday cake. Grandma and grandpa made me a learning tower for Christmas and mommy finally let me use it!

I had just gotten up from my nap so I wasn't very happy yet. I wake up slowly, like my mommy and daddy.

I got to help mommy pour:

And mix:

Brother Aidan got in the action and watched from his special play mat.

Of course mommy and daddy had to teach me all the bad cook habits and we licked the beaters and bowl clean. Yummmmmmy!

And then, we cleaned!

Now it's time for daddy's birthday dinner and then, we eat CAKE!

8 years later

2011-12-27T08:13:00.003-06:00

8 years ago today, we were preparing to start a new journey.

We didn't know where it would take us. We didn't know what was in store for us, we just knew we wanted to meet it all together.

We are a product of internet dating. Yup, you probably didn't know that did you? We agreed to meet for a first date at Lent services at my church (see...smart...public place, we both were to drive separately, etc.) But the day before that first "date" I came down with what turned out to be a serious muscle spasm in my back. My dad insisted on taking me to the ER after a friend found me curled up in a ball in a room at church bawling my eyes out my back was hurting so badly. I was determined to make it on my date the next day though, so I didn't take the pain medication prescribed to me and ventured into work that morning. Bad idea. My boss called my parents when I was doubled over my desk in so much pain and home I went. And decided first impressions are never good when you are drugged on pain medications and muscle relaxers. So I called Andrew to reschedule, but told him he could still go to church and the dinner if he wanted. Told him who to ask for as my parents would be there and gave my parents instructions to watch out for him. To my surprise, he actually showed. And then began the next stage in my life.

(side note on the ER visit. Andrew, to this day, teases me that I just wanted to get out of the date because I was scared to meet him lol. There really was an ER visit...I have the bills to prove it.)

Married that same year, we forged ahead with making our new life together. It hasn't been without it's up and downs. Graduate school, infertility and pregnancy loss, job loss, job changes, death of family members, the unexpected, out of town and premature delivery of our first.

2007

2008

2009

2010

2011

2011

How life has changed over the last years. We've doubled the size of our family and seen many things through out the journey. We look forward to many more years.

There is something about December

2011-12-25T20:39:00.001-06:00

I'm not sure what it is, but there just is something about December for me. If it's the wonder of Christmas, and all that it entails. The celebration of the birth of Christ, the wonderful family memories that are always built around this time. The gathering of families, kids running around and playing. Celebration. A chill in the air. If I'm lucky, snow. I can just hear in my head "Oh the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful!"

Everything seems to happen in December for me. My wedding, my daughter being released from the hospital and both of us finally returning home after 10 long weeks. The birth of my son (which it's cliche but does really add meaning to this season) and my husbands birthday.

I love December. I always have. The close of one year and the anticipation of the new.

This year was rather laid back, however. And it was nice to just take things easy. Elisa and Aidan both were spoiled. So was I for that matter. Spoiled with carbs. :)

Next year, I want to make a bigger deal out of things. Elisa will be three and should really understand the excitement.

Confessions of a sort of first time mom

2011-12-22T20:00:00.001-06:00

I did not go into this with my eyes closed.

I knew it'd be hard.

I knew it'd have it's challenges.

But I must confess, I did not expect it to show me my limitations.

Balancing a newborn, with it being my first born and even one that needed a little bit more care than your typical newborns, with life, was a piece of cake.

Balancing a two year old, a newborn, a family, outside activities, household, Christmas and all while sleep deprived and feeling too guilty to sleep during the day has led me to the wall.

That proverbial wall that says ok. I'm done.

Not literally. I am tired. I'm in pain, tons. Post partum has been hell this time. Between a knot of sutures causing me pain when I breathe, bells palsy making me feel like some sort of circus freak, a child who literally once he smells me insists on food. A two year old who is refusing to nap, and who's boundless energy makes me want to cry.

And now? Being told my youngest is not gaining FAST enough.

Seriously? I thought I left these "weight" issues behind. Weight checks? Pumping?

Do not, and I repeat do NOT get onto a preemie momma about her full term child's weight gain. You will get an unexpected result.

He's gaining. He's fine. I refuse to get caught up in the whole numbers game again. Find another momma to play that game with.

By the way, he put on 5 oz. it was the "minimum" they want to see with the goal of being back to birth weight at two weeks. He's two ounces off.

Get over it.

Italy vs. Holland

2011-12-20T21:32:00.003-06:00

As promised in my earlier blog, here is the poem regarding Italy and Holland.

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It’s just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

* * *

©1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley

Now, I've seen both. Holland was and still is a beauty of its own and I look forward to seeing what else Holland will show to me as the years go forward. Italy, is also beautiful. Can I choose one over the other? Moving forward, sure. But, I just can't regret having seen Holland.

My first time holding Elisa at one day old.

The first time holding Aidan, maybe an hour old.

One week later

2011-12-18T21:41:00.001-06:00

Well, really, a bit more than that but who is counting?

I'm still sitting in very much a state of shock. It's weird. I knew a baby was coming. And yet, I look at him and think, he's really here. And not only is he really here but he's a HE. There was always a 50% chance he would be but deep down I think I expected another girl. I keep slipping and referring to him as her sometimes. Good thing he's still too small to know the difference!

There is a common "phrase" among preemie parents. It has to do with this poem (that I'll have to post for you at some point.) that basically tells the story of someone setting out on a trip to Italy, but find themselves in Holland. "Italy" to preemie parents is that elusive term birth with the take home baby. Holland is the preemie birth.

So here I am in Italy. And, truly, it's with very mixed feelings. I feel so lost. This is my second child. I should be a "pro" at this right? And not only is this my second child but I got a crash course in childhood development thanks to Elisa. You would think I'd be well equipped to handle a newborn again.

But it dawns on me almost everyday. I've never HAD a newborn before. Elisa was always somewhere in between. I was handed this 6 week old infant who had a well formed eat, sleep, wake schedule. Who had already lost her umbilical cord. Who had been trained to eat in a certain "way.". And burped. I had been trained in the most efficient way to change a diaper.

So here I am, thrust this infant that not only doesn't require all the special "ways" of doing things but is also a BOY. And I don't know what to do with boys. Changing his diaper is, well, interesting. After seeing Elisa with all the wires, ivs, etc for so long, you would think something like a circumcision would be a walk in the park. Instead it freaks me out. And his poor umbilical cord. And what does a proper breastfed poopy diaper look like?! Elisa was always on a mix of breast milk and formula. And seeing a hint of jaundice the other day, normal, but still I went what do I do? (his numbers were borderline high but doc wanted to give it a week to see with the milk coming in if it resolved itself.)

Baby blues? Maybe. I'm sure it will all fall into place. It HAS only been a week.

On top of this, Elisa has been a little bit of a challenge. Not really bad, but up understandably shook up. She's not wanting to go to sleep at bedtime anymore. She's absolutely demanding attention. Like get up in your face you'd better pay attention to me now attention. She demands my iPad for Elmo and when she doesn't get it, we are met with a succession of "Elmo please! More Elmo please!"

On the other hand, she does love her baby brother. She's already referred to him as "her" baby. She doesn't like it when he cries and comes right over to pat his back and tell him "it's ok baby!". She brings him toys and sometimes covers him with blankets. She gets so excited when he's on the floor that she becomes a flailing mass of arms and legs bouncing around and giving her parents heart attacks as she comes within inches of stomping on his head. Please tell me spatial awareness develops soon and I don't have to worry for much longer about her inadvertently using Aidan as a dance mat?

Because I'm tired and don't feel like formatting, I'll just leave you with this glimpse of life as a family of four with an end to this post with a bunch of pictures. Enjoy.

Oh and the last photo is of the proud papa on delivery day, getting ready to accompany me to the delivery room and giving me that day I dreamed of since I first found out we were pregnant again. So glad I was finally able to have that moment.

37? Say what?

2011-12-10T08:56:00.001-06:00

So.

All of my children like to make somewhat grand entrances to this world.

The latest was no exception.

The day started out as any other. Rejoicing in actually making that term date. Didn't seem real. Preparing for my weekly ob appointment, which didn't seem complete without a p17 shot.

Much to my surprise, the nurse takes my blood pressure and gets quiet. Not a peep. Never a good sign. I watch as she goes over to my charts and writes down 138/102.

Huh? From my preemie moms with pre-e, I knew anything over 80 on that bottom number was a problem.

So they wanted me to come back today for another blood pressure check since I wasn't spilling proteins. Since I had been having fairly regular but inconsistently patterned contractions, I asked that they check my cervix, knowing also that any contractions that were productive needed to be kept an eye on due to my classic cut.

Boy did I about fall off the table when that came back at 3-4 cm dilated.

And yet they sent me home, with instructions to call if I started developing signs of pregnancy induced hypertension or more regular contractions. So Andrew and I shipped Elisa off to grandmas as we had intended to have one last date night before the arrival.

Didn't happen.

Shrimp had other plans. By 5:30, as we were preparing to leave for dinner, I developed new pregnancy induced hypertension (pih) symptoms. A quick check of my blood pressure with our nifty home monitor showed it to be 143/103.

Yeah. Not cool.

Off to l&d we go. Packed bag and all, as I knew I wasn't coming back home that night. Along with the increased pih symptoms, I was having fairly painful contractions. If I was dilated to 4-5, Shrimp was coming that night.

2 hours later, multiple cervix and blood pressure checks, doctor was on her way in to prepare me for my c-section.

It was surreal. To be honest, even though I knew I was term. Even though I knew this was the date they originally wanted to deliver, I was almost disappointed. Even just making that 37 and "term" number is a huge victory over prematurity. But part of me had a hard time letting go of the idea that I just barely made it. Added to that the flashbacks that over took me at I opportune times. I couldn't see anything but Elisa's rushed and early section. I was terrified and traumatized more than I was excited.

Poor Andrew got the brunt of it in the delivery room. He kept worrying I was in pain since I kept gripping and squeezing his hand. I was so glad he was able to be there this time. He was too cute, peeking over the curtain, comparing the surgery to like something you'd see on CSI. Finally shrimp is out and the look of boyish joy on his face when he peeks around and exclaims "it's a boy!"

THIS is what it was supposed to be like. That awesome cry, loud and fiery. He did swallow a bit of amniotic fluid that caused some problems but now, my big 8 lb 1 oz 20 inch 37 week "termite", is amazing.

So. Meet Aidan Michael. 12/08/11 9:57 pm.

Meet Kinsler

2011-12-07T12:59:00.005-06:00

*disclaimer! Shrimp is still baking away, so don't think that this is shrimp! I wanted to introduce you to a very special little boy.*

This is Kinsler. You may remember me mentioning a friends baby who has had a tough ride and his ride has gotten even harder. I wanted to tell you more about Kinsler. All preemies are amazing, but Kinsler, he's truly amazing.

Born this February, about 14 weeks early. His mom developed pre-eclampsia, and the only way to save his and his mothers life was to deliver him so early. He spent 6 long months in the NICU, battling lung and eating issues.

You'd think this would be enough, right? No, Kinsler is once again in the hospital after suffering sudden respiratory and cardiac failure. Why? We don't know yet.

But Kinsler, oh how he fights. And how he continues to fight. He has come back enough from his respiratory failure and is now on a conventional ventilator. They are weaning him from some of his medications for his breathing. He will always be on steroids as his adrenal gland doesn't function properly and he tends to get sick easier. They hope to come home after the first of the year.

Please pray for this family. Added to the incredible stress of being in the hospital, Kinsler is in the hospital an hour and a half from his home. This little one has spent more holidays in the hospital than he has home! Even more of his short life has been in the hospital than sleeping in his bed.

I pray every night that he will soon come home to his family, who loves him Immensely. Even his preemie family.

Keep fighting Kinsler! This is how we want to see you again, very soon!

Processing

2011-12-01T21:42:00.001-06:00

"A person that loses a partner is called a widow. A child who loses a parent is called an orphan. But there is no word to describe a parent who loses a child, because that loss is like no other. So will you put this as your status for just 1 hour, I'm pretty sure I know the ones that will. Think of someone you know or love whose lost a baby or child, & take a few minutes to remember & honor their beautiful angels. "

Tonight, I am filled with conflicting emotions.

On the one hand I am excited. I'm 36 weeks. One week from term. My section is officially on the books for Dec 22. Since my regular ob is also pregnant but a week ahead of me, she won't be delivering me, so I saw the ob who will today. And she is not opposed to the plan we had worked out. I received my last p17. It is so hard to believe that at the most, three weeks from today, this little one will be here. I've reached milestone after milestone. 9 months pregnant. One week from term. And it seems I'll be getting that 39 weeker.

Every pregnancy is different, they say. But this one is the polar opposite of Elisa's.

At 36 weeks:

Your baby is gaining about an ounce a day. She now weighs almost 6 pounds (like a crenshaw melon) and is more than 18 1/2 inches long. She's shedding most of the downy hair that covered her body, as well as the vernix caseosa, the waxy substance that protected her skin during her nine-month amniotic bath. Next week, your baby will be considered full-term. Most likely she's in a head-down position, but if she isn't, your practitioner may suggest scheduling an external cephalic version, where she'll try to turn your baby by manipulating her from the outside of your belly.

Imagine that. A child of mine actually arriving in the month it was due. Now...this baby will officially have a December birthday. Amazing.

But I said I was filled with conflicting emotions. And that is because I am also surrounded by unspeakable tragedy and worry for some friends. One, who went for her 20 week regular appointment only to find out her baby had no heartbeat. Another, who fought for 6 months for her premature baby, to get him home, only to have him back in the hospital 4 short months later in respiratory failure.

And I'm struck, again, about how unfair life is. Bad things happen to good people all the time. And I'm at a loss as to how to explain it. I've had my fair share, but I've been blessed to be able to keep moving forward and trust that God has this under control too. I can only pray for my friends that they have the same comfort.

So I sit here. Rejoicing at how far I've come. Rejoicing in the excruciating pain in my ribs (that the doctor thinks is actually a rib that's popping out of place thanks to said critter) because it means he/she is STILL there. Rejoicing in my two year old who is making life ever more interesting as we enter this growing independent stage and not wanting mommy and daddy to have any say. Rejoicing in her tantrums. Because it means she is HERE and healthy and normal. No apparent long term effects from her prematurity.

And praying. Praying for my friends.

And if you pray, please pray for them. They need the prayers more than I do at the moment.

Sometimes

2011-11-28T21:16:00.001-06:00

Sometimes you just have to wonder why.

Why me? Why now?

Not many of us ever find the answer to that question.

We've all witnessed a miracle, whether we've been aware that what we were experiencing was one. Some can point to truly significant events with no question and know a miracle took place. We've all heard of the person who survived a deadly accident with barely a scratch. Or who overcame a chronic illness, such as cancer. Or defied all odds and survived with a normal life when all medical knowledge had given up on them. Those with faith in God chalk it up to answered prayer. Sometimes even those with no faith in God can see Him in those actions.

So sometimes, when we are faced with insurmountable events in our lives, we look to God and beg Him to fix it. And what happens when He doesn't?

I mean, let's be honest here. This is GOD. He can do anything. There is nothing beyond His ability to control. To fix.

So, why didn't He fix me?

Regardless of where you are in your faith journey, this question can break you.

Why didn't you fix me?

I've said that many times over. I cried, prayed, begged for Him to fix me in that hospital. To save my little girl for the trial about to come her way.

I don't think there is anyone who has sat on the outside of an incubator holding your infant, who should still be in your belly and NOT asked that question.

But maybe the question is not why did you let this happen to me, but where do I go from here?

I've seen people in traumatic situations, whether it be having a preemie, losing a child, be involved in a life changing accident that left them somehow "less" than what they were, or whatever that trauma may be, handle things in a few different ways. It seems like they either sink into the "why me's" and simply can't move beyond it. The event so defines their life that it then becomes their life.

Or they shrug their shoulders, look up and keep moving forward. As if it never happened. As it it never touched their lives.

Or, they move forward and DO something with the trauma.

I think I'm done with the why me's. I think I've been done for a while. It seems I've found a purpose from this experience. Preemies, and preemie families feel like my purpose. In supporting others through this somehow.

I've become involved with both the March of Dimes and a local NICU. And I've never felt so fulfilled.

So maybe

Sometimes

It's not about what happens to you but about what you do with what happens to you.

35 weeks...a bit late

2011-11-26T09:38:00.001-06:00

Your baby doesn't have much room to maneuver now that he's over 18 inches long and tips the scales at 5 1/4 pounds (pick up a honeydew). Because it's so snug in your womb, he isn't likely to be doing somersaults anymore, but the number of times he kicks should remain about the same. His kidneys are fully developed now, and his liver can process some waste products. Most of his basic physical development is now complete – he'll spend the next few weeks putting on weight.

Yeah I'm a bit late on posting this update. But, well, I've been busy. Hopefully I didn't worry you.

Still going. Baby is already larger than indicated above. C section should be scheduled for the 22nd of December, I've just yet to receive official confirmation. Should get that next week.

Any way, here's a 35 week belly. Hard to imagine 4 more weeks...

Survey

2011-11-18T12:51:00.001-06:00

My church is wanting to know what YOU think about church. Would you be willing to take this completely anonymous survey and help us out?

http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/8D6DQ8S

Thanks!

Think 39

2011-11-17T18:13:00.008-06:00

Did you know that 51.7% of women in a recent poll believe that it's "safe" to deliver a baby between 34 and 36 weeks? And that for every week before 39 weeks that a baby is born, the risk to them of death doubles with each week?

Or how about that term was determined to be at 37 weeks, not by any scientific research, but just because the World Health Organization decided that date was "term."

Wow, really?

These are just a few of the things that I learned by attending my local Prematurity Awareness Conference today. And what a fitting way to spend this World Prematurity Awareness day.

Sporting purple for my preemie and all preemies. One day, hopefully, we will never see another premature delivery.

Even for one being very aware of prematurity and the issues and problems it causes, this was an eye opening day. HUGE strides have been made in raising awareness. I've seen this just here in my local home town. Prematurity is getting much more "play" in the local media. Maybe because of stories like Mighty Melody, or the MOD is just getting better at getting their message out there in more prominent ways.

Whatever the ways, there still needs to be even MORE awareness made. That first statistic, that half of women believe that it would be safe (?!) to deliver at 34-36 weeks? Really? And that this isn't just a problem of the public, but even OB's, who should know better, are giving in to inducing. Mainly because the #1 reason they are sued is for failing to induce. Even though there was no medically necessary reason present.

And that even with lung maturity tests coming back mature, does not necessarily mean that baby is "ready" to enter this world?

The main focus of this guys particular talk was on reducing the amount of elective c-sections and inductions prior to week 39. I know I have a limited view point on this because my only experience is a 29 week preemie, and to me, getting to 39 weeks would be a HUGE blessing. In fact, when my OB initially told me that with this pregnancy she would do an amnio at 36 weeks and perform a c-section at that point, I was crushed. But I fought back. I originally got her to agree to 37 weeks at least, and with more research, convinced her to let me go to 39 weeks, as long as I was not laboring.

Why was I so insistent on 39 weeks? Lets take a look at this photo:

Or what about this one:

Would my baby be capable of surviving outside the womb had I agreed to that 36 week delivery? Yes. But, looking at this, why would I want to allow that? Am I taking somewhat of a risk? Yes, but I know I'll be watched closely and at the first sign of a uterine rupture I will not argue with taking this baby out immediately.

I don't know, I guess it's a huge shock to me to learn just how many think it's ok to deliver at 34 weeks. And that many women do not consider a c-section a major surgery.

I would do anything to get to 39 weeks. And avoid a c-section.

Unfortunately for the first pregnancy, both choices were taken from me. And on this, so far only the 2nd choice has been taken from me.

I'm 34 weeks today and begging for 5 more. Yes, begging. Am I uncomfortable? Very. My ribs hurt, my hips hurt, heck sometimes even my legs hurt. I'm EXHAUSTED. I can't breathe. I can't eat what I want. Sometimes, yes, I even think I can't take it anymore! But the one thing I never think is I want this baby now. I just want it to be December now. I want to be 39 weeks now. But I will fight tooth and nail for that 39 weeks until I am out of options. I fought tooth and nail for that 29 weeks.

I'm not going to post my 34 week update today, mainly because it contradicts a lot of my emotions of today and confirms where the misconception comes from that it's "safe" to deliver now. I am 34 weeks, and by all accounts should make 39. Even my OB told me yesterday she thinks it's very likely. I had my first NST for the diabetes as well as a growth scan. Shrimp performed well and even my "pre-term" contractor of a uterus behaved. Shrimp measured 36 weeks by ultrasound thanks to the GD, but that doesn't change anything in my care plan.

Chubby cheeks and a big grin. A far cry from this:

I don't know if I've made any sense or any point in this. I just hope, that as I grow and learn more about it that hopefully I'll be able to, in some way, spread awareness about why it is SO important to wait if you can at all do so. Not everyone can. But if you can...fight for that 39.

33 weeks and still counting!

2011-11-10T12:38:00.001-06:00

This week your baby weighs a little over 4 pounds (heft a pineapple) and has passed the 17-inch mark. He's rapidly losing that wrinkled, alien look and his skeleton is hardening. The bones in his skull aren't fused together, which allows them to move and slightly overlap, thus making it easier for him to fit through the birth canal. (The pressure on the head during birth is so intense that many babies are born with a conehead-like appearance.) These bones don't entirely fuse until early adulthood, so they can grow as his brain and other tissue expands during infancy and childhood.

Yeah. Really in disbelief to tell you the truth. I can't believe, as we are going through this prematurity awareness month, that I am sitting here just 4 short weeks away from term. And that really even if things did spiral out of control I could still get that take home baby in just 2-3 more weeks. Of course I have absolutely no desire for that to be the case, I really want at a minimum of 37 weeks. Even if I am miserable with a baby who insists on being transverse and sticking its bum out my right side and using my ribs as a foot stool and stretching tool.

I go back and forth on if I really will make it. I've been having more and more of those signs that my body is preparing for delivery, but nothing indicative of true ptl. Just, what I'm assuming, are normal aches, pains and cramps for being 33 weeks pregnant. I still have the vistaril that I take whenever I feel more contractions than I'm comfortable with. And I'll be honest...that line is not a very big line lol! Give me something like 3 in a row and I'll down one just to keep any more from coming. Are contractions and bh normal at this point? Yes, and I know that. But psychologically, contractions are my worst enemy and I experience nothing but panic when I feel them. So if I can keep them from being too often, I will.

And I guess the biggest clue and indicator of how far I am is the fact that my maternity shirts are starting not to fit. They no longer cover the bottom of my belly and people can get glimpses of the lovely elastic waistband of my maternity pants. I won't even go into what the scale says right now. Let's just say I hope to never see that number outside of a pregnancy. Even though judging from my arms, legs and other areas all of that weight must be baby as I don't see any changes there.

And here's a 33 week belly.

The adventures of Elmo

2011-11-09T21:16:00.008-06:00

Once there was a little girl named Elisa.

She wanted nothing more than to take a bath with her best pal, Elmo.

Unfortunately, Elmo was not compatible with water, and poor Elisa thought her friend was lost forever.

But her hero (aka daddy) came to the rescue and was able to save Elmo!

And all was right in Elisa's world again.

***Side note...bear with me on my posts for a little bit and the odd way they may look. I am learning how to effectively blog through my early Christmas present of an iPad and I'm behind in the learning curve! :)***

Confidence and disbelief

2011-11-05T18:12:00.003-05:00

You are probably wondering what those two words have in common. At the surface they are two very different emotions...but they are all swirled into one in my heart at the moment.

To start, I sit here and I have these blinding moments of disbelief. Am I really here, 32 weeks pregnant? Am I really this far? Am I REALLY going to have a baby in a little over a month?

I remember when we began our journey into parenthood, and all the trouble we had to even get pregnant. And now I sit here with a swollen belly, watching the leaves turn and feeling my stomach churn. Feeling the excitement course through my veins as I watch the leaves turn and know, just know that I'm going to make it.

I feel so confident in fact that I went out today and bought take home outfits.

Yes, take home outfits. I'm actually contemplating packing a hospital bag. And having it ready just in case. As much as I would love to make it to that 39 week mark, I'd also love to have that "oh my gosh, the baby's coming NOW!" moment....in a good way. Because I'm term and this baby decided now was the time to come.

I had a hospital tour. I looked at pediatricians and had to choose one that visits that hospital, since my current one doesn't. I'm making lists of things I want to accomplish on my leave, which starts in just 2.5 short weeks.

Is this really my life? It couldn't be. Things don't go right for me. In fact, it usually feels like I'm the one clinging to the rim of that deep pit for dear life and wondering when it will be my turn. I'm usually the one sitting back, watching everyone else with the perfect life get everything they ever dreamed of while I claw my way to even realize just the smallest of my dreams.

And yet, here I am, on the brink of a dream come true.

Could this really happen to me?

32 weeks

2011-11-03T08:00:00.000-05:00

...What if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
Laura Story "Blessings"

I was listening to this song the other day on the way to receive one of the final p17 shots of this pregnancy. And during it, I could actually envision and HEAR the cry of my newborn child. Hear it. Oh to just go through a delivery and actually hear that first cry as my child breaths in it's first breath in this world would be heaven.

And it dawned on me a little bit. "What if the trials of this life are your mercies in disguise?" Would I appreciate that sound as much if I had the honor of hearing it when Elisa was born? And the reality is, even if I do go here pretty soon, 32 weeks is lung maturity so the likelihood of hearing that first cry from this point out is pretty high.

I wanted to just bawl. Darn hormones, but I did. The idea of hearing that first cry is so amazing to me. Everything we went through with Elisa, maybe it makes me all that much more grateful for the milestones I am now reaching with this one.

Not that I'll love this one any more than I do Elisa. In fact, Elisa will always ALWAYS have a special place in my heart just because of how hard we fought for her.

But I love that I am now 32 weeks pregnant with this one. That this now means lung maturity. That this now means only 2 weeks until even suck, swallow, breathe is developed. And then, all that's left is all of the brain development and weight. It seems the further I get, the more I can believe I'll make it. Even if I always have that door open in the back of my mind that says ANYTHING could happen at anytime. Honestly, I'd be naive to think it couldn't. Even if I didn't have a previous pre-term delivery, it could still happen at anytime. 9 months of pregnancy is not a given for anyone.

"By now, your baby weighs 3.75 pounds (pick up a large jicama) and is about 16.7 inches long, taking up a lot of space in your uterus. You're gaining about a pound a week and roughly half of that goes right to your baby. In fact, she'll gain a third to half of her birth weight during the next 7 weeks as she fattens up for survival outside the womb. She now has toenails, fingernails, and real hair (or at least respectable peach fuzz). Her skin is becoming soft and smooth as she plumps up in preparation for birth."

Tuesday was our hospital pre-delivery tour and I'm so glad I went. I did get all those questions answered that I needed to know. Like, baby will stay with me in recovery! May spend an hour or so in the nursery but basically I'll have baby in recovery. I'll be able to receive guests once I'm in the post-partum room. And again, baby stays with me. Wow, what a concept. They did tell me that they normally keep c-sections bed bound for 24 hours post op and I just laughed. I told her I was up 5 hours after Elisa was born and walking laps around the nurses station. Since that's what I had to do to go see her. So I'll probably do the same this time around. They also now know NOT to give me vicodin or hydrocodone. I will refuse it adamantly.

So, here we are. 5 weeks from that blessed term date.

So THIS is what it's like to look pregnant?!

2011-11-01T11:05:00.004-05:00

Photo bomb!

2011-10-30T17:52:00.003-05:00

Since I'm just way too tired from this crazy weekend to do anything else but post some photos, check out these from Elisa's party.

Oh and here's a sneak peak of the maternity pictures! :)

2 years later

2011-10-28T07:00:00.000-05:00

Dear Elisa,

There are no words adequate enough to describe how much your father and I love you. These last two years have been full of such joy and love. They started out rather scary, but you quickly showed us that we had nothing to fear. You were stronger than your circumstances.

As you've grown in both skills and personality, you've shown us a little girl full of tenacity, stubbornness and a love for drama and attention. In the lime light is where you love to be. You search the room for the best place to perform in order to gain the most attention.

Your smile and your laugh light up a room. In fact just your presence and aura does. You catch on so quickly to new concepts that you constantly amaze us. Preemie what? You weren't early. You were just little.

As we enter the next chapter of your life and welcome into your world another brother or sister, just remember that we will always love you. In many ways our love for you will be so different because we fought for you so hard. You may never know or understand just how much we fought for you, to give you the best we could after life threw us a curve ball we couldn't stop and didn't want.

We hope that on this day of your 2nd birthday, you will somehow know all that we feel for you, even if you don't understand it yet.

Love,

Mom and Dad

So in awe

2011-10-27T08:00:00.000-05:00

Totally amazed and in awe that I only have 6 weeks left until term. 42 days. When I started this journey, I never expected to end here, really. I was continually warned that after all that went down with Elisa, I was more likely to have another preemie, even earlier than I had her. That there were things they could do to help prevent that but of course there is no guarantee.

So here I sit, amazingly, at 31 weeks. Two whole weeks past Elisa. One week away from lung maturity. 3 weeks away from suck, swallow, breathe being developed. 3 weeks away from where they won't stop labor if it happens. 6 weeks and this little one could be here. After this week, 4 weeks until I'm on leave.

Just.can't.believe.it.

At my appointment yesterday, the doc mentioned that she thinks something more than just pre-term labor was happening with Elisa. Maybe it was some sort of infection or bad placenta. They tested both my placenta and my amniotic fluid in the hospital and both of those came back negative. Maybe it really is the p17 making the difference? I had an irritable uterus with her as well as this one. But this one, it didn't do but minimal change to the cervix? Could my stress be more under control? I don't think so...I'm a high stress person. I just AM. Also said they don't schedule the c-section until 4 weeks before, so probably not until mid November will I be able to schedule my day. But oh well. :)

Today, I am 31 weeks. Tomorrow, Elisa is 2.

This week, your baby measures over 16 inches long. He weighs about 3.3 pounds (try carrying four navel oranges) and is heading into a growth spurt. He can turn his head from side to side, and his arms, legs, and body are beginning to plump out as needed fat accumulates underneath his skin. He's probably moving a lot, too, so you may have trouble sleeping because your baby's kicks and somersaults keep you up. Take comfort: All this moving is a sign that your baby is active and healthy.

5 more shots. The countdown is truly on.

Oh! And for the first time, boy overtook girl on the poll! Girl had such a big lead for so long I'm surprised. But I guess we'll see in December. :)

I can and WILL do this.

2011-10-25T15:06:00.003-05:00

Sometimes we just need a good 'ole pep talk. This whole pregnancy thing is hard. Made even harder, for me, anyway, by all the memories and thoughts of what could have, should have been with Elisa.

But the reality is it WASN'T with Elisa, but COULD be for this little one. It really could. I am just 5.5 short weeks away from that amazing magic number of 37.

And you know what? I'm actually going to DO all of those normal, pregnant momma things that I never got a chance to do with Elisa.

The obligatory belly shot. (I swear I looked better in the mirror...I just don't photograph well lol)

I've scheduled a pre-delivery tour with the hospital we will deliver at. Seemed a bit silly since I've already been there twice and have a good idea of what the room looks like. But honestly have no clue what will happen once I get there. So hoping to get those questions answered.

And I've schedule a maternity shoot with my soon to be sister-in-law. She is dabbling in what has always been a hobby for her and since she will be here for Elisa's party this weekend, I asked if she'd be willing to take some of me. I am sooooo excited. I know she'll be able to make my mug look somewhat good.

I'm also planning on speaking with my OB tomorrow about *gasp* scheduling my c-section date!!!! I had originally thought that Dec 22nd would be the perfect day (39 weeks on the dot) but I sit here now and wonder, what about Dec 14th or 18th? Both are very significant days. December 14th was the day Elisa was released from the hospital. December 18th was the day we finally came home. Since I don't know the first thing about scheduling a c-section we will see what they say in terms of what dates I have available to choose from. :)

Fun things I'm finding about this part of the pregnancy.

1. I can no longer see my toes unless I bend forward a little bit.
2. I keep hitting my belly on objects. I'm just not used to it being there!
3. Random strangers keep coming up to either congratulate me or "oooh" and "ahhh" at my belly.
4. ****I ACTUALLY LOOK PREGNANT.****
5. Sometimes I wonder if anyone else notices the squirmy belly. Then I have to giggle because I think too much it's like Alien. There's this little human in there squirming and dancing around and one day is going to want out.
6. Someone once said when you get this far you get to do the guess what body part that is game. Yup. Doing it, and it's a blast. Although I do get scared sometimes I'm going to poke something rather important. Oh and I've found, this one pokes back. Buggar.

Ahh two more days to 31. Next appointment - tomorrow. Some day soon I should be getting that third trimester ultrasound thanks to the GD. Wow, this pregnancy has flown past...

These are the moments to remember

2011-10-24T19:07:00.004-05:00

Elisa's version of the ABC song.

I love this little girl so much. Her spunky personality. Her unwillingness to sit still for a moment. Can't believe she's almost two.

What a fun day!

2011-10-22T20:51:00.002-05:00

Yeah. This is going to be one of those weekends that I need a week to recover from.

Decided to take advantage of the little bit of energy I had while I had it.

The day started with some good ole organizing and cleaning. Meaning I finally packaged up all the clothes in the corner of the bedroom that were meant to be donated as I no longer wore them. Some were as old as college days that I just couldn't part with. But my bulging closet and lack of room for more clothes determined the need to get rid of a large portion of my unused wardrobe and give it to someone who would actually get use out of it.

Then came good ole fashioned retail therapy. In the form of some Halloween decorations and, well, more organizational tools. Finally had an idea of what to do with that darn catch all breakfast bar in the kitchen. Hopefully when it's done, that counter can remain a bit cleaner.

The day is never complete without doing something for someone else. Even though being pregnant prevented me from joining in the fun, I did "supervise" a crew from Quest as they raked lawns in a nearby neighborhood. Next up? Raking each others lawns! :) Something I will truly enjoy. Again from the sidelines. But maybe this time I can make some cookies. That I can't eat, but hey, it's not for me is it?

Finally, after dinner with friends and family we went to the Pumpkin Parade! It was our first time visiting but was really a neat idea. Lots of local organizations carved pumpkins, placed them along a path in the park and opened it up for everyone to walk through. There were some very creative pumpkins. Including one with the words "RIP Mom" carved in it...hmmm. Wonder if I should be scared about that one...

Elisa even became an honorary firefighter! :) She actually posed for a picture!

Tomorrow means even more crafting (I know, two weekends in a row?!), building the shelves for my organizational idea and putting up more Halloween decorations. Yeah, I'm going to be tired come Monday.

30 weeks

2011-10-20T11:46:00.004-05:00

And this about explains my thoughts on the matter.

I'm shocked, really. I LOVE that I have a 3 in my number of weeks and that it is the FIRST number instead of the last. But still, I can hardly believe I'm sitting here.

I actually went and scheduled my "pre-delivery" visit with the hospital that I am now confirmed to be delivering at. Since I made 30 weeks, I can now deliver with my current OB instead of being transferred. Which I rather like. Much closer hospital than to the one I'd have to go to if I were to have delivered before now. I went back and forth with myself on having this visit. Mainly because I've already been to L&D at the hospital twice now. I think I know what the rooms look like. And it's not like I have a choice in rooms. I'll get what I get when I get there. And that's fine. But ultimately decided to do it so that I can get answers to those questions that are burning in my brain. Like, what happens in a term c-section birth? Do I get handed the baby immediately (of course after it's cleaned up and checked out by a pediatrician) or do I simply get shown the baby and then it goes to a well nursery while I recover? Does baby stay with me in recovery if I do get to see and hold him or her immediately? Do I go to a separate recovery room or will I be put back in my original "holding" room in L&D? Is there a separate post partum area? With it being a c-section I'll be in more than just overnight. Probably 4 days like I was with Elisa.

Sooooo many questions...that I have no answer for. It really is funny to me. Here I am with kid number 2 and I don't know any of these things? Seriously. I find it odd that it seems like I am more "comfortable" with a premature birth because at least then I know what to expect. All of this is completely new territory for me. Here I am. 30 weeks pregnant. And actually looking like I may get 7 more weeks out of this? Now things could change at the drop of a hat, I am aware of that. I have no notion of any sort of "birth plan" or plan at all when it comes to this whole thing. If there is anything Elisa taught me, it's that I can plan all I want when it comes to kiddos....but ultimately they hold all the cards.

So...Shrimp 2 at 30 weeks:

Your baby's about 15.7 inches long now, and she weighs almost 3 pounds (like a head of cabbage). A pint and a half of amniotic fluid surrounds her, but that volume will decrease as she gets bigger and takes up more room in your uterus. Her eyesight continues to develop, though it's not very keen; even after she's born, she'll keep her eyes closed for a good part of the day. When she does open them, she'll respond to changes in light but will have 20/400 vision — which means she can only make out objects a few inches from her face. (Normal adult vision is 20/20.)

Amazed that Elisa is 8 days away from being 2. And we are 11 days from November. I start leave the first part of December. In all reality, I only have about 6 weeks of work left...that's not much time at all. And then, then we will be a family of 4...

If you haven't already...guess if Shrimp is a boy or girl! I love seeing the numbers go up. Interesting that girl is winning so far...

Getting into the spirit.

2011-10-16T19:26:00.003-05:00

The holiday spirit that is.

I haven't really "felt" that spirit for a few years now. Not sure why. Just didn't seem to hold the same excitement and anticipation that it did as a child. I'd have bouts where I was really into it, and then others where I could care less. These last few years have been on the just could care less side.

So I was surprised as I sat here today and I got bitten by a bug. The crafty, holiday spirit, lets decorate the house for Halloween bug. Really?

So...I did. I googled for ideas and suggestions. I found some great things for Elisa's party the end of this month. And I found a how to on making Halloween cut outs.

Now let me preface this picture by saying I am NOT an artist. I am very creative, in my own way. And I have great ideas of things I'd love the create. Unfortunately, they never turn out in real life as I see them in my head. So usually, anything crafty, I leave alone. Still don't know what got into me...

What was even better was I didn't spend a dime on any of this! I used things I already had sitting around at home. Gobs of construction paper from Andrew's teaching days, a bit of laminator paper leftover from a bright idea early last year that, well, never panned out. Elisa loved them. Kept walking up to the pumpkins saying "Hi pumpkin!" Of course, we have to keep admonishing her to not pull them off the door, but her little eyes just lit up watching me put them up.

So for now, I'll sit back and enjoy my little bit of attempt to bring some holiday spirit to our house.

I even have vague notions of changing it out to a more "fall" theme for Thanksgiving. Although...we'll see how I feel when November comes around before I go that far. But right now the idea has merit.

29 weeks and counting...

2011-10-13T08:00:00.000-05:00

At 29 weeks:

Your baby now weighs about 2 1/2 pounds (like a butternut squash) and is a tad over 15 inches long from head to heel. His muscles and lungs are continuing to mature, and his head is growing bigger to make room for his developing brain. To meet his increasing nutritional demands, you'll need plenty of protein, vitamins C, folic acid, and iron. And because his bones are soaking up lots of calcium, be sure to drink your milk (or find another good source of calcium, such as cheese, yogurt, or enriched orange juice). This trimester, about 250 milligrams of calcium are deposited in your baby's hardening skeleton each day.

Sadly, I don't need Babycenter to tell me what my baby looks like at 29 weeks. It's something I know from personal experience.

I can easily imagine what this one must look like now. Only it's probably bigger thanks to the GD. Maybe even venturing on the 3lb mark, with how close Elisa was to that three pound mark. And, well, Elisa as right on 15 inches at 29 weeks so it's easy enough to imagine this one is as well.

Odd to think about as I feel this one squirm in me. But I won't go down that road right now. Right now, I'm just going to still take it day by day. Because, to be honest, I'm struggling a bit with anxiety. Tomorrow will be an interesting day.

At this weeks regular OB appointment I learned a few things. 1. The recent contractions I've been experiencing are not considered labor, so I don't have to worry (yet) about having to deliver possibly before 36 weeks. In fact, my doc said I can schedule my c-section for 39 weeks and if I end up needing it before then, well, it happens before then. 2. I'm apparently a "pre-term contractor." Not entirely sure what that phrase means but I'm taking it to mean my body just likes to have contractions. Since I've been having them for 10 weeks now and as I get bigger, the more I get. I've had several bouts of 9-10 an hour. Just LOVELY. And 3. They won't try to stop labor after 34 weeks. Now I'm not entirely happy about that one. I'd want them to fight to keep this baby cooking until term. I was so surprised I didn't think to ask why. Hopefully I'll remember next time. But information I've received from friends seems to indicate that it's either because of the classic cut of my section or that it's more dangerous for baby to stop labor at 34 weeks than to allow it to just happen.

Either way, I'm hoping for 10 more weeks. Just 10 more weeks. That's not too much to ask is it?

Remember

2011-10-10T10:58:00.002-05:00

This picture has been spreading around my Facebook friends. Seems especially relevant to me right now as I feel my confidence waning towards actually making it term. Maybe it's the upcoming milestone of 29 + 1, which occurs on Friday. Maybe it's the constant UTI's causing contractions and contractions do a number on my psyche. Maybe it's the changes that I'm sure happen in the third trimester, but I don't know what's a normal change. And what's not.

Who knows. All I know is with God's help, I made it through the premature birth of Elisa. Surely I can survive the unknown of the third trimester pregnancy, when in all reality I know this baby could come anytime now? And I have no control over it.

10/09/09

2011-10-09T08:05:00.001-05:00

On this day, I was picked up extra early by the shuttle service to head to the airport. I think it was something stupid early like 4 am or something. I remember thinking it was odd that the cramping I'd been experiencing only in the evenings was still there that morning, but I dismissed it. I chatted with the driver, and was excited as I knew this would be my last plane ride of the year. Little did I know.

I board my plane, all seems well. I'm trying to stay hydrated. Hard to do on a plane. Land for the layover in Minneapolis I believe and go on the hunt for a bathroom. Found it hard to believe that EVERY bathroom on the long trek from one gate to the next was CLOSED for cleaning. Was it a conspiracy? Not only were they closed, but only the WOMEN'S were closed. I chatted with a vendor right across from the bathroom and she said she would just go to the door and tell them I'm pregnant and I gotta pee! Thankfully, one opened up right then. I was desperate enough I would have gone in the mens lol.

I don't notice the cramping at this point, think I was just too busy. I remember feeling extremely tired but chalked it up to being 26 weeks pregnant and flying. Flying takes it out on me at the best of times. Finally we load the plane and leave for Phoenix.

I remember the descent into Phoenix and I had this odd flutter/feel in my chest. Like an odd inclination that SOMETHING wasn't right. But I didn't know what it was. Left the plane and headed to baggage claim to wait for my checked bags. On the way, I found yet another bathroom (ahh the life of the late 2nd trimester, early 3rd trimester). While in there, I noticed something odd. That something was THE plug.

And I went, that's not good.

So I called my OB's office, who advised me to head to the nearest hospital. I didn't go right away. No, I had luggage to get and a rental car to pick up. Why on EARTH I thought it was a good idea to wait in an hour long line at the rental car company, not to mention the shuttle ride over there is beyond me. But all I can think is I must not have been that worried. I mean, those re-grow right?

Finally get my car and head down the highway. A local friend had recommended I go to Banner Good Samaritan as it was right by the airport and right off the highway. I tried to follow the hospital signs from the highway, but lets say they were not well marked.

The type A in me was on the phone with the insurance company, making sure that hospital was in network since I didn't have the ability to look it up myself. As I was pulling into the ER parking lot, they advised me it was.

In I went, hustled through the ER in a wheelchair (I still didn't realize I could go straight to L&D) and dropped off at L&D. The triage/admittance nurse taking my information was due the same day I was. I remember looking at her, and looking at myself. I hardly looked pregnant compared to her.

I still remember the shock in the doctor's voice when she checked me, finding out I was dialating and contracting. She had been reassuring me that this happens all the time, it's nothing really. I had even asked her if I should call my husband and she said not yet. Next thing I know, people are flying around me, turning me on the bed, shoving IV's in my arms and shots in my hip. I have NO clue what they are giving me. Later I find out it's starting a big bullos dose of Magnesium and the first round of the steroid shots. Sometime during this I call Andrew. Andrew calls my mom, my mom calls me. At some point someone called my boss. All of this is a blur. Doc comes in with an ultrasound machine to do a quick scan for size and asks me if I knew it was a boy. I didn't and again, the shock in her face of uh oh, she didn't want to know. Then I'm in a hallway. I know my bum is flashing everyone, but the magnesium was making me so sick and I was in such shock, I didn't really care. I start to dry heave. A new doctor, a perinatologist, is standing by my bed telling me they are preparing a room for me (I'd only been in the triage section so far.) The doctor and nurse had to scramble to get a bed pan as I emptied the entire contents of my belly. Next up in the IV was an anti-nausea med.

I don't know where my items are that I brought in with me and at this point I don't care. I know I ended up with all of them at one point later that day. My friend came to visit me who was local and found my rental car and my suitcase so I could take out my contacts. I don't know if I ever washed the makeup off my face. Maybe a nurse did? I don't really remember much from this point on. Too much magnesium maybe. Phone calls telling me my husband would be there in the morning, the hotel I was supposed to go to arranged to pick him up. My parents would be there later that next day. They'd stay in the hotel room arranged for my original stay.

Two years later and two weeks to the DAY further on in my pregnancy. I'm in my own bed, in my own home. The milestones keep coming.

Pretty soon, I'll reach a whole new one. The one of being the MOST pregnant I've ever been. Saturday, October 15th can't get here soon enough.

Ringing in the new trimester

2011-10-07T11:18:00.003-05:00

With a visit to L&D.

Let's just say that my kiddos know how to create drama. This coming from a person who, really, deplores drama.

Yesterday, I woke up with more of the mild cramping I'd been experiencing with my previous UTI but I noticed it was now intermittent. I decided to burn up some of my vacation time and took yesterday afternoon and today off.

Good thing I did. When around noon, I was still noticing the intermittent pains and some what I call more like contractions (but not painful) I thought I should lay down and count these. Put Elisa down for her nap, and did just that. Imagine my surprise when I counted 9 in one hour. After laying down and downing 64 oz of water. Oh joy. So call into the doctor and 20 minutes later "orders" to go straight to L&D. Drop Elisa off at grandma's and off we went.

Of course we get there and hook up to the monitors and I don't have a single contraction in the first 20 minutes. I'm going, great, they are going to think I just freaked out. Nah, why would I do that? The nurse did seem rather surprised when they started showing up, and not only showing up but increasing in both intensity and frequency. She was rather surprised to hear they didn't hurt. After about 90 minutes she came back and gave me visteril (anti-histamine and anti-anxiety that also has the added effect of relaxing the uterus). Once that kicked in about 45 min later, the intensity and frequency finally began decreasing. Urine sample came back with more UTI. Yup, so I'm guessing the first never entirely went away. After about 2.5 hours, they sent me home with instructions of modified bed rest and to keep my appointment on Wednesday. Also a prescription for this visteril so I can take one when I notice the contractions ramping up again.

So here I am. Lounging in my bed. Fast running out of things to occupy myself (why'd I take today off again?) but I'll deal. I just keep thinking, 7 days from today, Elisa was HERE. One more week and I will reach that "final" milestone of being pregnant the longest I ever have...and that's a milestone that I hope to meet day, after day, after day until at least Dec 8th. If I keep contracting like this, my hopes of pushing delivery off until Dec 22nd (39 weeks) is going down hill fast. Most likely, I'll be lucky to talk her into Dec 8th. But fight for that 37 weeks I will. Tooth and nail.

Third Trimester

2011-10-06T07:30:00.000-05:00

And we made it. The third trimester.

I've had trouble coming up with a really cute blog for this one. I think in some ways I'm living in a sense of unreality. Can't believe I'm really here. I've said it before. I'll probably continue to say it. So I thought I'd find some funny quotes on the third trimester, but all I found was this question and answer session.

Q. Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear-end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.

Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q. What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A. Childbirth.

Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

It made me chuckle at a time I really needed a laugh. There were many more but these were the most tame and the ones I was most comfortable posting.

At 28 weeks:

By this week, your baby weighs two and a quarter pounds (like a Chinese cabbage) and measures 14.8 inches from the top of her head to her heels. She can blink her eyes, which now sport lashes. With her eyesight developing, she may be able to see the light that filters in through your womb. She's also developing billions of neurons in her brain and adding more body fat in preparation for life in the outside world.

4 more weeks, the lungs are developed. 6 more weeks, suck, swallow, breathe is developed.

My doctors first goal for me is 30 weeks. After 30 weeks I can deliver with her practice at her hospital. Before 30 weeks I'll have to be transferred to a different hospital with a higher level NICU. So far...that's 2 weeks away. The fFN gets me to 28 & 4. They held Elisa off for 3 weeks...if something were to happen I hope they can hold this one off just as long. Since I've still been having frequent contractions, but with no pattern, I told my doc's nurse today that I do want to speak with her about tocalytics next week. I can't handle the contractions, even though they are braxton hicks and from what I'm hearing from friends are normal for this stage in the pregnancy. Tell that to one who delivered due to UNDETERMINED pre-term labor. How am I supposed to know that THIS contraction is non-productive but the next one may be? So I'd rather not have any at all, if I can avoid it.

And now, here's little miss.

She's so smart she scares me sometimes. She can already pick out letters, numbers and colors. Of course it's only at the point that she can tell that a 1 is a number and A is a letter but may or may not actually give you the right letter. She has at times properly picked out "blue" and "red" but I've noticed her default choice for the color is "blue" especially if she doesn't know the color. She enjoys counting her way down the stairs, but instead of repeating 1, 2, 3 over and over it's 8, 9, 10. She routinely breaks out into the alphabet song, but prefers "Q, R, S, T, U, V Now I know my abc's!" She gave me her first 4 word sentence last weekend. "I'll go get it!"

Her personality comes in leaps and bounds. Just the other night, she was fighting going to sleep, so I told her to close her eyes and to go to sleep. The stinker clenches her eyes shut just enough they look like they are shut but you can tell she's peering at me from underneath the slit and she has the BIGGEST grin on her face behind that pacifier. Took every ounce of me not to laugh. I did smile though, so my "go to sleep" reprimand probably lacked heat.

She is a never ending challenge.

But what a wonderful challenge.

27 weeks

2011-09-29T16:45:00.003-05:00

Just a quick update today as I've given quite a few recent "updates." I put myself on self imposed bed rest this afternoon since I was cramping again. Even though it's all UTI related, I did notice I cramped less if I just stayed laying down so, I have. See? I'm being good!

Also, if you haven't yet, check out the poll on the left hand side and cast your vote for if Shrimp is a boy or a girl.

And now, Shrimp at 27 weeks.

This week, your baby weighs almost 2 pounds (like a head of cauliflower) and is about 14 1/2 inches long with her legs extended. She's sleeping and waking at regular intervals, opening and closing her eyes, and perhaps even sucking her fingers. With more brain tissue developing, your baby's brain is very active now. While her lungs are still immature, they would be capable of functioning — with a lot of medical help — if she were to be born now. Chalk up any tiny rhythmic movements you may be feeling to a case of baby hiccups, which may be common from now on. Each episode usually lasts only a few moments, and they don't bother her, so just relax and enjoy the tickle.

28 weeks is the last week of the 2nd trimester. Hope I get more than 1 week in the third trimester this time.

OB update

2011-09-28T11:47:00.004-05:00

Regularly scheduled OB appointment today as well as a follow up to Monday's episode. fFN was negative. And I requested a cervix length check just because of the cramping and contractions that have come with this UTI. Just because I'm closed at the bottom, doesn't mean the same applies to the top.

Good thing I did. I did loose some length, but am still good and long at 3.6. They start getting concerned at 2.5 and below. Only real item that can give you pause is that there is evidence of funneling. Meaning the cervix is starting to open from the top and that there is some productivity occurring with the contractions.

Plan of action? I'm to "take it easy." Stay off my feet as much as possible. Not do much really but work. This doctor went so far as to say that I'm too "intelligent and savvy" to accept any answer of "in-action" so even though evidence does not really support the action, she will put me on tocalytics if I continue to contract, especially if they increase. Funny to me that I've apparently proven my mettle enough to her that she now recognizes I know my stuff and that I am to be taken seriously when I present a concern. Because I am not just a nervous nelly who jumps and over reacts to every tiny thing. She even said she trusts me to bring to their attention anything I find odd and to request that it be checked out. She knows I won't just sit on my butt and wonder what this could be. I'm apparently a person of action. Who is now supposed to take it easy. Lol...for this baby's sake I guess I'll be taking it easy even though it is entirely against my nature to just lounge around. Especially without the confinement of a hospital. I'd still rather be at home.

Experience

2011-09-26T20:17:00.003-05:00

This is a snapshot of one of the pages from the pregnancy book the OB I chose for this pregnancy gives you at the beginning of every pregnancy.

It's shocking to me, to look at this page. Why? Because I had THREE out of FIVE of those symptoms the week before I left for Arizona pregnant with Elisa. 3 out of 5. And I had to CLAW my way in to just get them to do a test for a UTI. How could all of those medical professionals not put it together? How could they have told me all was ok, it's all normal and to get on that plane? Why did I ignore my instincts saying this wasn't right? This wasn't normal?

Fast forward two years and a new doctor. One, who even at the mention of two of these symptoms jumps so high to get me to get my little rear end in to be looked at. To the point that even I was starting to get a little nervous, even though my instincts were telling me I was probably over reacting. But I called anyway, because I don't mess with any of those symptoms.

Turns out it's most likely a UTI, but very early in the process, and as the day has progressed I've begun to agree with that assessment. They did a fFN (fetal fibronectin) test just in case and I should know the results tomorrow. More accurate as negatives than as positives, but truly, my radar/instincts aren't raised so I truly think this is just a UTI.

It's just odd to me, the different reactions. It just brings it home to me that sometimes, just sometimes, doctors don't always have the answers. That doesn't mean we shouldn't trust them...but it does mean that if your instincts say something more is going on here that the doctor discounts...fight. Maybe if I had fought more. Who knows, really. And I'll never know. But maybe, just maybe, I can help someone else fight and avoid the outcome I had because I didn't know enough to fight back when I truly needed to.

26 & 3

2011-09-25T20:08:00.004-05:00

Just a number, right?

For many, yes. But for me? This marked the beginning of the end of the pregnancy with Elisa. I sat there in church this morning and looked at my baby girls hand as she held mine. And looked at the tiny dimples there. Dimples that I rejoiced over when they first started appearing, telling me that she was gaining weight. And I almost cried. Knowing where we are now, but remembering how unsure we were that this day would even come.

It's only natural that I would approach this day with some apprehension.

And the day is not yet over, but I am still at home, and I did not need to visit the hospital today. So far...so good. The first of many milestones is almost over. In 3 more weeks I hope to enter uncharted territory. That of being further in a pregnancy than I've ever gone.

I'm not sure yet how I really feel about so far "passing" today. Numb? Unsure? Just putting one foot in front of the other really. Sort of like walking a balance beam. Slow and steady, making sure to know where my foot is landing before putting weight on it.

To others...our journey shows the faithfulness of God. Some may ask, well how do you figure? I figure..because my girl is here. And healthy. But above all she is HERE. All those fears and shattered dreams that became my life at this point with her no longer bear any weight with her. To look at her now, you'd never know how scary her beginning was. You'd never know the miracle she is. Small...but looks, acts, and developmentally is like any other almost 2 year old.

Even if this one decides to come early...I can only wish for another outcome just like her.

26 weeks

2011-09-22T12:59:00.006-05:00

And fall is in the air.

I've been struggling a little bit with flashbacks and feelings of deja vu. It's completely normal, really. 26 weeks. I still can't really believe it, deep down inside. I feel different. I feel calm. But I still don't feel "comfortable" with the pregnancy.

It's funny. I have another OB appointment next week (I'll be seen every two weeks now until delivery) and I don't know what questions I should be asking. I've never been to this point in a pregnancy when I wasn't in a hospital. I don't know what to expect. Am I really here?

One look in the mirror reminds me that, yup, I am really here. I'm actually using those maternity clothes I was loaned, and those few I purchased with Elisa's pregnancy. The muscle relaxers the doc gave me to sleep have had the side effect of making my contractions much less frequent, which has greatly improved my anxiety. I won't say it's nothing, but I can handle only feeling a contraction 2 maybe 3 times a day instead of every 2 hours or so.

I could go on about how odd this "milestone" is for me right now. It's so hard to imagine that this was almost the beginning of the end. When right now, the end seems so far off in the distant future.

The network of nerves in your baby's ears is better developed and more sensitive than before. He may now be able to hear both your voice and your partner's as you chat with each other. He's inhaling and exhaling small amounts of amniotic fluid, which is essential for the development of his lungs. These so-called breathing movements are also good practice for when he's born and takes that first gulp of air. And he's continuing to put on baby fat. He now weighs about a pound and two-thirds and measures 14 inches (an English hothouse cucumber) from head to heel. If you're having a boy, his testicles are beginning to descend into his scrotum — a trip that will take about two to three days.

Wow, Elisa had a lb and an inch on this anticipated weight. I know this one is much bigger than what it's saying already thanks to the gestational diabetes. I weigh now as much as I did at the end of Elisa's pregnancy. Most likely thanks to the GD. I just hope I can get through the next 14 weeks and still have all the weight fall off upon delivery like it did with her. Andrew, bless him, tells me it looks like it's all baby weight. He sure knows the right things to say at times. :)

Speaking of Elisa.

(Elisa decided to read my pregnancy book sitting in the infant car carrier.)

She is full on into the development of the "terrible twos." Tantrums left and right. Definitely an independent child for the most part. She wants what she wants and if she doesn't get it, she sure lets us know. She also has been sick for the last two weeks with another ear infection. I think her molars are coming in as well, which doesn't help any. But she is also a talker and has begun to string three words together regularly. Pretty soon we will be able to hold conversations with her. She understands requests and orders and usually will follow. There are times, of course, when she decides she just doesn't want to do that (like pick up her toys before bath time) and she acts like she doesn't hear us. Oh the joys. But every time I hold her and breathe in her hair, I am reminded of what a miracle she is and just how much I love her.

Life is changing. So quickly. It feels like I can't keep up. I'm in limbo. I don't know what to expect. We are entering the "unknown." These next 13 weeks, really, will be a learning experience. This little one will be here anytime in the next 11-13 weeks. A little over 2 months.

2 months.

Are we ready? I guess we'll see.

Hotel? Or Hospital?

2011-09-20T16:11:00.004-05:00

Two different things, right?

Well, I guess it depends on if you are in my head right now. All day today I've had the hardest time writing or even saying the word hotel. It always starts to come out as hospital.

How many times a day do you say the word hotel anyway? That shouldn't be a hard thing, right?

When it's September...a lot in my world. Hotel and the thought of and working with is a BIG part of my life. So it's quite frustrating to be trying to say hotel and instead hospital comes out.

You may be wondering WHY hospital is now hotel in my mind. Let's think about this for a little bit.

I am 25 weeks 5 days. At 26 weeks 3 days, 2 years ago, I took a trip. I intended to go to a hotel. I landed, instead, in a hospital. And I didn't leave. For 3 weeks. I certainly didn't leave after three weeks with my baby.

So needless to say, this frustrating mix up in my brain is nothing more than my subconscious self constantly reminding me just exactly WHERE I am in this pregnancy. Just 7 short days from the beginning of the end, at least that's where it was with my last one. Sunday is milestone #1.

Now, I think I've been doing ok really with the whole thing. I have started to really BELIEVE that I will come home with a termie in December. The contractions have slowed way down since I've gotten past both of these virus' and since I've been sleeping better. What contractions I did have didn't change the cervix. I've not felt the same pain I had at this point with Elisa. I have a MUCH more active baby. I have the nursery done. I'm not going anywhere anytime soon. And neither is this baby. I know I can call my doctor with any concern and she will have me head right in as she's learned I know my body pretty well and when something isn't right.

Doesn't stop the random, and ever more frequent, flashbacks. Coming up in the most random of times. Sometimes I'm convinced I'm really in the hospital in Arizona. And not laying in my own bed in my own home. Sometimes I wake up in the morning, expecting the 4th year med student to be knocking on my door to check my reflexes. Or sometimes I look for the call button for the nurse so I can get my monitoring over with so I can fall asleep.

I'll look around me and I'll be sitting in my house, but I don't see my house. I see my hospital room. I get up to go somewhere and am somewhat surprised that I don't have to disconnect any monitors. I leave the house and wonder am I really allowed to be doing this?

It's odd, this feeling.

The making of a nursery

2011-09-18T16:31:00.003-05:00

I kept my promise to myself. It's basically done. Done as much as it can be until we know if this Shrimp is a he or a she. All the final "flourishes" will be done in either "pink" or "blue" depending on what this one turns out to be!

It's been a lot of fun really. I was too afraid to do much preparations for Elisa. After so many losses, I couldn't comprehend that I would actually bring a baby home and couldn't possibly plan ahead in the fear that something happened that even she wouldn't come home. So by 26 weeks all I had was a crib, chest, changing table and some crib sheets. And, as you know if you've followed my story, by 26 weeks I was in the hospital in imminent danger of delivering.

So this time, I promised myself I would finish the nursery BEFORE the baby came. And, well, I did! (Of course it was easier this time since all the components were there, just had to be put back together for a newborn. :) )

The last picture is the blanket I made. Elisa was given a few as gifts, like this one:

And I just HAD to have one for the new baby. I couldn't bear to part with either of the ones made for Elisa, so looked up how to make these and made myself one. It didn't turn out too badly for my first attempt. I'm too much of a perfectionist to be entirely pleased. It's not exactly straight and the ties are a bit "short" and uneven. However, the new kiddo isn't going to know and care.

Now...onto names....

25 weeks...and still counting

2011-09-15T10:47:00.003-05:00

10 more days until the trouble started with Elisa. Still find it sad that the first thing that pops into my head is that simple fact. It's always there, just under the surface. Just far enough under that I don't know it's there until it bubbles up and slaps me in the face.

Overall, it's going ok. Several pre-term labor scares that just turned out to be virus' causing the symptoms. I'm still "locked up tight like Fort Knox" according to the doctor, so that's good. I haven't been sleeping, mostly because I think I am more scared than I realize. But that fear is so far under the surface that I don't think I consciously know it's there. I can say in my head and to others as much as I want that I believe it's all going to be ok and that I'll go term...but if I don't believe it in my heart, my body doesn't get the message I guess. This is resulting in some serious tension in my back causing me to be unable to sleep. I haven't had more than 2-3 hours of broken sleep a night since 20 weeks. I'm EXHAUSTED. Doctor finally gave me some medicine to help me sleep and it was a muscle relaxer. First night was a bust, but last night, I actually only woke up twice (when Elisa fussed) but went right back to sleep. I can tell it was muscle tension causing the back aches because my back is SORE now from finally being relaxed. Maybe only a few more nights and I'll be able to relax entirely on my own?

Diabetes is, well, diabetes. I'm having a hard time finding enough to eat. But I don't have a monitor yet so I don't know if I'm just not having enough carbs. It's such a balance, and it's hard to find if you don't know what is spiking your sugar, or what more I could eat, etc. That help and appointment should come tomorrow morning (finally!). And yesterday, I absolutely gorged myself on some chili, thinking if it had carbs, it was a low carb meal. WRONG. We looked it up when I got home and according to this website we found, said one cup was 45 grams. Oops. I had 3.5 cups. I was HUNGRY and it was the first time I felt FULL in weeks. And it was ohhh so good. I didn't feel any "sugar" effects though either? OH well. Bring on the monitor.

Shrimp at 25 weeks:

Head to heels, your baby now measures about 13 1/2 inches. Her weight — a pound and a half — isn't much more than an average rutabaga, but she's beginning to exchange her long, lean look for some baby fat. As she does, her wrinkled skin will begin to smooth out and she'll start to look more and more like a newborn. She's also growing more hair — and if you could see it, you'd now be able to discern its color and texture.

Sometimes I sit in this realm of unreality (is that a word even?!) when I think of this date. I find it so hard to believe that in 4 short weeks, I was looking, feeling, touching Elisa in that incubator. Just 4 weeks! It boggles my mind what we went through with her. I just can't comprehend it at the moment, thinking about it with this baby. One more month.

Little one, I'm looking for 3 more months...please don't be like your sister and listen to me on this one!

Odd random freak out

2011-09-13T19:43:00.002-05:00

As I was sitting here lamenting my THIRD virus in this pregnancy, when I had none in Elisa's and ended up with the thought that maybe I'm sicker this time because I'm going to go longer and get that term, take home baby.

And then it hit me. A term, take home baby. What does that mean? I get thrown this little being after 3 days in a hospital and told good luck and don't let the door hit you on the way out. What do I do with a term baby?

Sounds really odd doesn't it? It's not like I'm a first time mom. I mean this IS my second child. But my first child...I had 6 weeks to get to know her and the way she dealt with things and how to care with her before she was handed to me and sent on our merry way. I knew her, her cycle, her indicators. I'd been given a 6 week course on what to look for in order to know what she needed.

I won't get that with a term baby and it's TERRIFYING. Now, this doesn't mean I don't want a term baby, it just suddenly hit me that, in this, it's like I AM a first time mom. I know I'll do fine and my instincts will kick in and I'll learn this baby soon enough. I did get a great education in newborns with Elisa. I figured it out with her. Found my way. I will again. It was just a bit of an odd revelation, that sudden fear of what do I do with such a little one.

I love you even when...

2011-09-12T20:08:00.003-05:00

you are in a full fledged 2 year old fit
you refuse to nap just out of sheer stubbornness
you refuse your dinner just because you don't WANT what is offered
you continually disturb mommy and daddy's sleep
you cling to me like your life depends on being physically connected to me.
you lay down on your belly, kick your feet and smack your hands. Only to find out the tile hurts when you smack it with your open palm and immediately run to me for comfort.
you toss your lamp on the floor and break it in an angry fit.

You may be growing up way to fast and before my eyes but I will always love you. You will always be my baby, and no matter how frustrated, or annoyed I get with you, that will never change.

Viability!

2011-09-08T16:35:00.003-05:00

And I swear I look pregnant this time. I wanted to! :) So, glad I am for the most part. Some pictures, like from the front, I'm not so fond of, but seeing the round belly from the side is nice! :)

The most important news this week is this is the all important viability week. Meaning if my body decides to eject this one too, we at least now have a chance. If this one has to come early too I really hope to get to the 28 week mark at least and hopefully get blessed with another feeder/grower. Preferably 37 weeks. But now we have a chance.

Your baby's growing steadily, having gained about 4 ounces since last week. That puts him at just over a pound. Since he's almost a foot long (picture an ear of corn), he cuts a pretty lean figure at this point, but his body is filling out proportionally and he'll soon start to plump up. His brain is also growing quickly now, and his taste buds are continuing to develop. His lungs are developing "branches" of the respiratory "tree" as well as cells that produce surfactant, a substance that will help his air sacs inflate once he hits the outside world. His skin is still thin and translucent, but that will start to change soon.

Hate that all I can think about is 2 weeks from now I was in the hospital. 5 weeks from now I had Elisa.

Praying, still, for at least 13 more weeks.

Randoms

2011-09-06T20:10:00.006-05:00

This is basically going to a post about random thoughts and happenings over the last few days. Probably won't be all that organized because to be honest, I'm completely and thoroughly exhausted. A months worth of sleep deprivation takes it toll on you eventually.

To start, it's now official. I failed the three hour test. I have officially been diagnosed with gestational diabetes and I'm only 23 weeks. To think they don't test until 27 weeks. Again, my intuition was right. Just glad I have a doctor this time who is listening to my intuition. Just think if they wouldn't have and would have insisted on waiting until 27 weeks to test me. I'd go almost two months undiagnosed. I have my first "nutritionist" appointment the 19th. Hopefully I can get some good advice so I can start eating and feeling full again. And supposedly I'll end up with more energy as well.

I'm still having random contractions. Maybe 6 or 7 in a 24 hour period. Most likely normal, but I'll be asking. I hate contractions of any sort. After delivering prematurely due to undetermined pre-term labor just the idea of these contractions freaks me out. I just wish they would go away. I've also heard rumors, that I haven't verified with medical professionals, that GD can cause pre-term labor. Probably if not managed and not watched closely enough. Makes me wonder if the GD I had with Elisa, seeing as how I got it this time NOT on the terb, was actually there before I landed in the hospital and contributed to the start of the labor.

A friend of mine lent us her daughters winter 18-24 months clothes to help get us through the winter without purchasing a massive wardrobe (although I still bought a little too much..) and in going through it I found the same onesie, in the 24 month version, that Elisa wore on her plane trip home from Arizona!

And here she is in it. It's hard to see it under the blankets

Man that brings me back. Guess it's what I'll be putting her in on Dec 18th of this year.

We've had some beautiful weather here the last few days. Just perfect for sleeping with the windows open and spending hours outside! It's been cool enough to break out some of the winter clothes and I've been loving it! Just makes winter seem like it's just around the corner.

Elisa has two new "loves" recently. Swinging in the big girl swing and coloring. In this picture, she is so intent on swinging, even though it's putting her to sleep. Every time I asked her if she wanted to play something else, she would adamantly say "no" and "swinging!" So I kept swinging her. Finally she decided a snack was more to her liking and we avoided an early bed time.

I've used the love of coloring to my advantage recently also.

Yup, give her a piece of paper, some crayons and sit her at the table and she's ok even with her breathing treatment! Hey, whatever works.

So that's it for today. Another shot in the morning, another appointment next week and then one the week after. Seems I'll be in a lot of doctors offices between now and December. Much prefer that rather than in a NICU.

Another first

2011-09-03T10:39:00.003-05:00

And hopefully last until the "official" trip in December.

Yup, got an impromptu tour of the Labor & Delivery ward. Around 2:30 yesterday, started having contractions, random, but would get up to 4 an hour. Finally around 6, after having drank 60 some oz of water, laying down, changing positions all to no avail, called the on call doc who advised to go ahead and come on in. Even though I wasn't at the 6 an hour threshold. So we went, got looked at and sent home.

The cause? Don't know really. I am still high and tightly closed. I had a slight temperature and even more sugar in my urine. Yet another indicator of the gestational diabetes. Love how those keep coming to smack me in the face. With the slight temperature, the nurse theorized I may have an infection and that could be causing the contractions. The contractions were more "irritations" than actual contractions too, meaning they lasted less than 40 seconds. So they sent me home after giving me a medication to calm the uterus and with advice to just keep an eye on it and come back if it got worse. Thankfully the medication did calm everything and I've not had one since I left last night.

Good to know that at least this doctor is paying attention to me and taking me seriously. Now...everything should hopefully stay calm for another 16-17 weeks!!!

23 weeks

2011-09-01T15:11:00.003-05:00

1 week to viability!

And I made it through the 3 hour test. Although I have lingering nausea and hunger. Can't seem to eat enough to make up for the fasting. Turns out, as well, that my day yesterday did not get any better. Ended up taking Elisa to the doctor for what turned out to be a DOUBLE ear infection this time. *Sigh.* Sometimes I hate that my instincts seem to usually be right. I was almost hoping they were wrong and the doc would think I was some over anxious mom. Well, I was right in so many ways but thankfully this time we caught it before the drainage got to her lungs. Although it's close.

So today was the first time I've been able to see the new baby moving from the outside. It was rather unique watching and feeling the movements. This baby is just growing so fast and it's not even here yet.

Turn on the radio and sway to the music. With her sense of movement well developed by now, your baby can feel you dance. And now that she's more than 11 inches long and weighs just over a pound (about as much as a large mango), you may be able to see her squirm underneath your clothes. Blood vessels in her lungs are developing to prepare for breathing, and the sounds that your baby's increasingly keen ears pick up are preparing her for entry into the outside world. Loud noises that become familiar now — such as your dog barking or the roar of the vacuum cleaner — probably won't faze her when she hears them outside the womb.

One more week and we have a chance should my body decide to prematurely eject this one as well. One more week as well and I will know the results of the 3 hour test. I really hope I pass. I'm not looking forward to trying to maintain this diet for 3 more months.

Anyway, bring it! Whatever comes these next few months...bring it. I'll get through it.

Let's just say

2011-08-31T11:46:00.003-05:00

It's not been a good day.

Yesterday was ok. Had my follow up and apparently last appointment with the peri's. Baby looked GREAT. Measured dead on but for the belly, that measured 3 weeks ahead. That was a bit too much of a difference. Tech indicated that it's a classic indicator of Gestational Diabetes. Oh yay. Cervix shortened just a tiny bit (down to 5cm) but the doctors are so not concerned as there is no other indication of a problem. It's probably within the margin of error and on top of that it is still so extremely long (twice the minimum they want to see.) that they released me from their care. Unless something happens from now on. And you never know when the cause of your premature delivery is truly undetermined pre-term labor. Good news, right? I guess. And finally, shrimp cooperated for a beauty shot.

Fast forward to today.

Elisa has been in rare form. Definitely entering the terrible twos. On top of that, she is miserable with allergies. Her poor nose is dripping like a faucet. She's decided that dripping and the associated drool since she can't breathe through her nose is "icky" and freaks whenever she gets some on her hands. She did not sleep well at ALL last night. And decided to disobey mommy and daddy when we told her NOT to stand on the furniture, did anyway and of course she fell. Resulting in one unhappy baby. I went for my weekly p17 shot to finally get confirmation of my diabetes 1 hour test to find out that I did indeed fail. So I get to return tomorrow to do the three hour. What a way to spend my mental health days off. :-/.

Strong enough

2011-08-28T19:20:00.003-05:00

As a preemie mom friend, also going through her second pregnancy (first after her preemie) said, I have good days. And I have bad days. Not entirely unusual really, seeing as how when you've gone through something like a premature birth. Some days I just KNOW I can do this. Some days, I can't see past the day. An ache, a pain, a contraction, will freeze me in my steps and suddenly I'm paralyzed with the fear that this is IT. The beginning of the end.

Some say once I get past 26 weeks I'll be "ok." Some say 29 weeks. To be honest, I don't know if I'll ever be "ok" with pregnancy. Right now, honestly, I can't see past 26 weeks. People ask how I'm doing Physically? I'm doing great. Emotionally? Fragile. Emotionally I'm not strong enough to do this.

There is often the phrase "God gives you only what He thinks you can handle." How many times have we heard that? How many times have I said that to myself? I laugh at that right now.

Often these days, I have sleepless nights. I'm either in too much pain, physically, to fall asleep. A lot of the pain stems from the anxiety I'm feeling (and a lot of that is sub-conscious) meaning that my back and shoulders tense up so extremely tight that I'm literally almost in tears. Or I wake up multiple times at night. Sometimes because I feel a contraction. Sometimes to pee. Sometimes to hear Elisa stirring.

But one thing I've noticed. During all of these times, there is a phrase from the Matthew West song that goes around my head. Over and over. Every time I wake up I'm singing this phrase.

"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. And I don’t have to be strong enough."

I don't have to be strong enough. Regardless of what this next month, or preferably 4, holds, I don't have to be strong enough. People say I handled Elisa's well. That I'm a "strong" person. I'm not, really. The urge to cave and bury myself deep in myself was more than I showed. And right now, it's taking a lot to keep going. To keep that positive mental attitude going.

"I know I’m not strong enough to be
Everything that I’m supposed to be
I give up, I’m not strong enough
Hands of mercy won’t You cover me?
Lord, right now I’m asking You to be
Strong enough, strong enough
For the both of us"

Thankfully, God is strong enough to be strong enough for me, for my baby. For my husband and for Elisa. I don't have to carry this myself. Right now I'm too weighed down by anxiety to really feel the freedom behind this truth. I hope to be able to lay that down. I know He's strong enough. Every time I'm tested, He's shown me. I guess I'm just too afraid to be tested again.

So for now, I'll cling to that promise. "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. And I don’t have to be strong enough."

Wiggle Worm

2011-08-25T15:19:00.002-05:00

The older Elisa gets, the harder it is to capture her on film. She just won't STAND STILL long enough to get a good enough shot. Here are a few of my attempts last night, even using the multi shot feature on my camera. She just moves TOO FAST.

I'm trying to squeeze every ounce of one on one time in with her as I can these days. I know that far too quickly, my time will be taken with this new little one. I know kids adapt easily but I worry that she will feel a bit "left behind" with so much attention being shown to the new little one. I want to make sure she feels loved. I'll have to jump that hurdle in December.

She is growing far too quickly. Her vocabulary grows in leaps and bounds daily. She is mimicking almost every word we say. Makes you very careful about the words that you say. You can't even mention "thunder" and she comes running to you crying "no sunder, no sunder, otay!" Just the other day, she bumped her head, so daddy in Homer Simpson style whacked his head with his hand and said "doh!" She proceeded to copy him repeatedly.

Every day I watch her I am just in awe. It's hard to believe that we are approaching two years with her. She has amazed me in so many ways and I love her more than I can even express. Could just be because I'm pregnant and hormonal but I just watch her sometimes and want to cry. I came so close to not seeing these moments. I'm so glad I was blessed with her.

Shrimp #2 is continuing to progress. We are 22 weeks today. I had my 22 week check up yesterday with some nervousness. Seriously, I thought I was going to be sent to L&D because of some of the same sort of pain I'd been having with Elisa the week before I was admitted with her. On top of some contractions (4 over night, still not the 6-10 an hour they want you to call in but 4 compared to the one every once in a while I had been getting.) Some of the contractions I only noticed because I happened to put my hand on my belly during one and felt how hard it was. This did NOT give me comfort because I began to wonder just how many I was actually having and didn't know! So these two things put together, my doc decided to go ahead and do a cervical length check just to make sure nothing was happening. And...nothing was happening. The length had not changed since it was last checked at a little over 18 weeks. AWESOME! I am still waiting for the results of my GD test though. Hoping, really, for good news because this diabetes diet is REALLY HARD.

So. 22 weeks.

At 11 inches (the length of a spaghetti squash) and almost 1 pound, your baby is starting to look like a miniature newborn. His lips, eyelids, and eyebrows are becoming more distinct, and he's even developing tiny tooth buds beneath his gums. His eyes have formed, but his irises (the colored part of the eye) still lack pigment. If you could see inside your womb, you'd be able to spot the fine hair (lanugo) that covers his body and the deep wrinkles on his skin, which he'll sport until he adds a padding of fat to fill them in. Inside his belly, his pancreas — essential for the production of some important hormones — is developing steadily.

So far...so good. I go back next for another peri appt and to check the cervical length again and then back to my doctor for my regular check up. Looks like I'm going to every 2 weeks now. I'll take it though.

I'll leave you with this image of my goofy girl and her love of ketchup. Seriously. Give the girl ketchup and she'll eat anything.

Overwhelmed

2011-08-18T11:57:00.004-05:00

That is how I'm feeling at the moment as I try to manage all the tasks that I need to get done to prepare for Shrimps arrival. So. I am going to take a break and update you all on Shrimp. Maybe this will help me re-focus on getting this stuff done!

21 weeks. Yup. That's today. Sad that the first thoughts that enter my mind are:
1. 3 weeks from viability outside the womb.
2. 5 weeks from when I was admitted to the hospital
3. 8 weeks from when Elisa was born.

Yeah. Kinda bothers me that I can't seem to get past those numbers. But oh well. For the most part, I'm feeling well. I'm having NORMAL pregnancy symptoms. Aches, pains already. Feeling heavy and more like "fat" than pregnant. That sounds kinda funny to say really. I saw a picture of myself at church the other day from the front and all I could think was do I really look that fat? Oh well. I'm pretty sure it's all baby weight.

We've started the stocking up on diapers process. Figure I'll get just one box of newborn size because I'm having a termie and won't need 5 months worth! If I find I need more than just the one box...I'll just go buy more. Otherwise, I'll stock up on the size 1s.

Elisa is entirely moved out of the nursery and into her big girl room. She's handled the transition very well. Slept over night in that room now for 3 nights and is only waking once. Sometimes she puts herself back to sleep, sometimes she's terrified and needs some help. Only once has she climbed out of the bed herself and made it to the door. Where she peeked around and into our room and called out to us from the baby gate there. She's eating amazingly well. Pretty soon she'll eat us out of house and home.

My secret is revealed...ketchup. Give the child ketchup and she'll eat anything....

So here's our 21 weeks update:

Your baby now weighs about three-quarters of a pound and is approximately 10 1/2 inches long — the length of a carrot. You may soon feel like she's practicing martial arts as her initial fluttering movements turn into full-fledged kicks and nudges. You may also discover a pattern to her activity as you get to know her better. In other developments, your baby's eyebrows and lids are present now, and if you're having a girl, her vagina has begun to form as well.

We asked Elisa the other night if she thought the baby in mommy's belly was a boy or a girl. She confidently exclaimed "girl!" Guess we know where her loyalties lie. We shall see. In December.

Who's the big girl?

2011-08-16T16:02:00.002-05:00

I am! I am!

Elisa slept for the first time ALL NIGHT in her big girl bed. She did amazing! She didn't fall out once, nor try to crawl out and come and get us or get out and play over night. She did wake up a few times but each time managed to put herself back to sleep. She did wake up for the morning before her "allowed" time, but really that's expected. Over all, I'm very proud of my big girl and hope the rest of the transition continues as easily.

The first of many

2011-08-15T19:09:00.002-05:00

Fights between my children, that is.

That sounds odd to say, coming off this journey when I never thought I'd have one. Anyway, I digress.

Today was one of THOSE kinds of days. A very crabby girl. I think she must have sensed the weather. It was one of those cloudy, dreary, rainy and cool days. Personally, I rejoiced after all the heat we'd been having these last few weeks. We could open up the windows and turn the air off. It was heaven in that regard. But the thunder decided the perfect time to start was nap time. And my poor child, with her terror of thunder, was NOT going to go to sleep on her own. So it was the perfect day to take a nap with her on the couch.

Problem was my belly is growing and it was rather difficult to find a position where she was comfortable and the baby wasn't getting squashed. Finally did, but her feet were laying across the belly, right where the baby was.

Well, apparently, Shrimp didn't like this. Because he/she started kicking right where Elisa's feet lay. Elisa was too far gone into her slumber to notice. But I got a good chuckle out of it. Experiencing the first of many feet fights to come in the years to come.

20 weeks!

2011-08-11T17:43:00.005-05:00

I seem to remember starting a post during the pregnancy with Elisa, stating that she was now "half baked." Little did I know that she was, in reality, 3/4 baked and determined to come 9 short weeks later.

I've been traveling this week for my last trip of this pregnancy. So I don't have too much to report from home.

Most of our communication has come through Skype. Elisa has come a long way with her "understanding" of Skype. She hasn't tried to run behind the computer to see the back of my head as much. And she also will point at the screen and point to "mommy" or "daddy" or "Deda" (Elisa). And tonight she even kissed the screen when she saw me, said "bye-bye" and "I love you!" when we hung up. Can't wait to get home and see my little goober.

So here we are at 20 weeks.

I feel "huge" even though I know I'm not. I just compare it to where I am when I'm not pregnant. I've made up the 3 lbs I lost when sick, finally and will hopefully keep gaining. When I went for my shot before leaving town, I asked them to run a test for a UTI as I suspected I had one. The test came back negative for a UTI but positive for dehydration (?), protein and sugar. Huh? Dehydrated after drinking almost a gallon of water a day. And protein and sugar?? Protein was only a trace and apparently normal. They didn't really comment on the sugar other than to ask what I had for breakfast this morning. But asking around, it seems I shouldn't have sugar coming up in that test...so it got me wondering. Dehydration when I'm drinking all of that water, sugar in my urine and always thirsty?? Something wasn't adding up. My risk for gestational diabetes is higher due to the p17, so I'm starting to think I may actually be getting it. :-/. So I've proactively put myself on the diabetes diet and will be asking my doc to run a diabetes test at 22 weeks instead of 24.

Baby is "looking" good though. I feel tons of movements, which I love. I can't believe I've been feeling them for as long as I have now. Almost as long as I could really feel Elisa's. It's great! So here's the update:

Your baby weighs about 10 1/2 ounces now. He's also around 6 1/2 inches long from head to bottom and about 10 inches from head to heel — the length of a banana. (For the first 20 weeks, when a baby's legs are curled up against his torso and hard to measure, measurements are taken from the top of his head to his bottom — the "crown to rump" measurement. After 20 weeks, he's measured from head to toe.)

He's swallowing more these days, which is good practice for his digestive system. He's also producing meconium, a black, sticky by-product of digestion. This gooey substance will accumulate in his bowels, and you'll see it in his first soiled diaper (some babies pass meconium in the womb or during delivery).

Kinda ewww...but oh well. I don't remember Elisa's first poop. Must have happened before I saw her or over that first night after I left. Hoping to get to see this little one's first poopy diaper. :)

The mind

2011-08-07T09:12:00.007-05:00

Is a funny place. It remembers things and brings them up at the strangest moments. Sometimes you are left wondering where did that come from for a while until it dawns on you.

Andrew, Elisa and I took a much needed break to Jefferson City. Andrew is interviewing with the highway patrol and this was step two in the year long process and Elisa and I tagged along. We had a great time swimming, playing at the mall (and Elisa made out big in the sales tax holiday and is now outfitted for the winter!) and of course, eating.

We had a great time! But on the very last night, I experienced my first braxton hicks of this pregnancy. My mind is so in tune with my body that even though it was painless, it woke me up from a deep sleep. And I panicked. Seriously. It was just one but when I first felt it I didn't know that. My mind immediately started going to places I didn't like. All I could see was a repeat of Elisa's pregnancy, only this time there was no chance of survival. And not only that but I was again in a strange town. I laid there in bed with my hand on my belly holding my breath and praying that another wouldn't come. After an hour, I finally fell back into a restless sleep, but the fear and panic that accompanied it remained for the rest of the day.

It wasn't until later in the day after talking with my preemie mom twin that I realized where the over reaction had come from. I was out of town. Again. Everything that has ever gone wrong in any of my 3 pregnancies occurred when I was out of town. I lost my first baby on a trip. I lost my 2nd immediately upon returning from another. Elisa came while out of town. So there I was in a hotel and experiencing contractions, something that is terrifying to me to begin with since my only experience with them were not braxton hicks, but actual contractions that resulted in my daughters early arrival.

The truth is, I don't trust my body to do what is needed to keep this baby safe. I don't know if I even trust God to get this baby to term. I trust Him to get me through whatever is thrown my way, I just don't know if His way is also going to be MY way. And at this point, that is not exactly a comforting thought. He more than proved His power to me in Elisa's birth. He kept her, and me, safe. He brought us to the right hospital at the right time. He brought her home to me. He has also kept her from having any long lasting effects from her prematurity. He brought to me one of the most amazing support groups I've ever had the privilege to be a part of. He brought to me my "preemie twin" mom, who without, these last two years I don't know if I would have survived with my sanity intact. A day doesn't go by that we aren't in contact. I know that was Him. Why else would she, a complete stranger to me, be lead to find my story in our birth board as she was sitting on bed rest preparing to deliver her preemie? Why else would Elisa have been born exactly two weeks before hers, showing her what 2 weeks down the road may look like for her preemie. Released from the hospital within days of each other. Two amazing little girls, who by the circumstances of their birth, brought their mothers an amazing friendship. He did so much for me through Elisa's story and life so far.

I guess that is what I can trust in. I have done EVERYTHING I can to avoid another preemie. I'm drinking tons of water. Resting. I'm in tune with each twinge of my body, always evaluating this twinge or that to see if it's "normal" or an indicator of a problem. I'm being followed by two medical practitioners. Who with their combined knowledge are dedicated to keeping me pregnant as long as they can. Who, if one fails, the other can pick up where the one left off. I can trust in the fact that in the end I have no control over the outcome. I do have control over how I react to it. I do trust that whatever is thrown my way through out the next few months, God will get me through it. He always has. Sometimes it may seem like He's let me down, left me out in the arctic with no map and no direction. But once I get through it, I begin to see He didn't really. That He was always there. I just couldn't see it at the time.

This time won't be any different. I think the lyrics from the Kutless song "What Faith Can Do" best describes where I am right now.

What Faith Can Do Lyrics

Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it’s more than you can take
But you're stronger, stronger than you know
Don’t you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard
Impossible is not a word
It’s just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody’s scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It’ll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

Overcome the odds
You don't have a chance
(That’s what faith can do)
When the world says you can’t
It’ll tell you that you can!

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
That's what faith can do!
Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise

19 weeks

2011-08-04T18:40:00.006-05:00

And if you consider 37 weeks as "term" I'm "halfway" there. But really, one more week is half way. Scary to think that 10 weeks from now, Elisa was here. 7 week from now I was in the hospital. Kinda bothers me that I see a number and this is the first thoughts that come into my mind. BUT my "half-baked" baby is doing amazing.

My feisty girl has quite the personality. But she never ceases to amaze me.

Her "big girl" room is complete and she's taken several naps in there. Much to my surprise she has handled this change rather well. For the most part, she's going right down for her nap when I put her down awake in her bed. Only once did she fight the nap, but spent about 30 minutes playing in her bed with her care bears before finally dozing off at the end. I was very happy that she managed to stay in the bed for her play. I hope the rest of our transition continues to go so well so I can get to work on turning the nursery back into a newborn room. Crazy how much has changed in that room the last 2 years.

Now, onto Shrimp #2. As I posted on Tuesday, we had the big anatomy ultrasound and all looks good. We are 19 weeks today. Another item of possible interest is that my cervix measured 5.4 cm! According to my googling, they want it to be between 2.5 and 5 cm. Now, I'm not worried about it being too long. After all...what could too long mean when the longer the cervix is the further away I am from laboring right? At least that's what I'm telling myself lol. Just made me wonder if my body isn't trying to "make up" for failing me with Elisa and going to go the extra mile this time. Watch. I'll go the full 39 weeks lol. Oh darn.

Your baby's sensory development is exploding! Her brain is designating specialized areas for smell, taste, hearing, vision, and touch. Some research suggests that she may be able to hear your voice now, so don't be shy about reading aloud, talking to her, or singing a happy tune if the mood strikes you.

Your baby weighs about 8 1/2 ounces and measures 6 inches, head to bottom — about the size of a large heirloom tomato. Her arms and legs are in the right proportions to each other and the rest of her body now. Her kidneys continue to make urine and the hair on her scalp is sprouting. A waxy protective coating called the vernix caseosa is forming on her skin to prevent it from pickling in the amniotic fluid.

So here's to at least 20 more weeks. I take my last trip of the pregnancy next week. Kinda strange to think I'll be home for the next 6-7 months!!

Wordless Wednesday

2011-08-03T14:41:00.001-05:00

Introducing "Shrimp"

2011-08-02T16:22:00.004-05:00

So far so good. Measured about a week ahead (no surprise really. Elisa did too at this stage) at 19 weeks 4 days. I'm technically 18 weeks 5 days. No talk of changing due dates though as that is pretty common at this range. Just a "big" baby. Elisa was "big" too. Tech said everything looked wonderful. All the important pieces were just where they needed to be, heart looked good, cord looked good. Placenta was in a good place, fluid was good. Just everything was good. Even better, my cervix was long and closed. So far so good...baby is low again. But is transverse so at least it's kicking my ovaries right now and not my cervix. Let's hope it stays that way. I go back in 4 weeks to check the cervix again and growth.

18 weeks

2011-07-28T12:05:00.003-05:00

Head to rump, your baby is about 5 1/2 inches long (about the length of a bell pepper) and he weighs almost 7 ounces. He's busy flexing his arms and legs — movements that you'll start noticing more and more in the weeks ahead. His blood vessels are visible through his thin skin, and his ears are now in their final position, although they're still standing out from his head a bit. A protective covering of myelin is beginning to form around his nerves, a process that will continue for a year after he's born. If you're having a girl, her uterus and fallopian tubes are formed and in place. If you're having a boy, his genitals are noticeable now, but he may hide them from you during an ultrasound.

And our "big" ultrasound is next Tuesday! Part of me can't wait. The other part can't figure itself out yet lol. But baby is still baking away well. The virus I had last week caused me to lose 3 lbs in a week, which when you are underweight to begin with and supposed to consistently gain during a pregnancy was concerning. To me anyway. Doctor's weren't when I had my check up only because even with the loss, I have gained 8 lbs in all and they consider that pretty good for 18 weeks into the pregnancy. Besides. I FEEL bigger.

But alas, I'm not. Oh well. There are 22 more weeks to get "bigger" and I plan on using every single one of them.

Elisa is very excited for her big girl room. She loves the paint color. Can't wait to put it all back together and get the finishing touches on it. I hope to have her start napping in there starting in August and by the time she's 2 have her sleeping overnight in there. That gives her two months to get used to the new room as her room before this new little one makes their appearance.

Wordless Wednesday

2011-07-27T20:20:00.003-05:00

Phase 1 of the big girl room complete!

Type A ACK

2011-07-25T21:13:00.002-05:00

The planner in me is having a kineption (sp?) fit.

Why you ask?

Because I can't plan a DARNED THING with this pregnancy. I was just sitting here winding down for bed and mentally writing my blog to Elisa for the night before the new baby arrives. When I realized...do I really know what night that is? Let's be real here. With my history it could be December. Or it could be September. Or anytime in between.

I am thinking of throwing Elisa a 2 year old party on her ACTUAL 2 year birthday. But I'll be 31 weeks 1 day on that day. I keep holding off because what if I have a baby in the NICU at that point? Or on bed rest? Can I really fathom holding a party for her? I don't want to plan it and then have to cancel it.

Granted life is only able to be planned so much. Things always crop up. You work around them. You move on. But I feel like I'm paralyzed. I think of these things that I would like to do to make the time special, but I'm afraid to do them for in case everything goes wrong. And then I'm left again on the other side, watching a baby in an isolette, dreaming of what could have, should have been.

For the most part I feel like I'm just existing at the moment with this pregnancy. Just taking it day by day. The "big" ultrasound is coming up next Tuesday. I keep forgetting. It doesn't hold the thrill for me this time like it did before. Not that I'm not excited to see this little one. I am. Maybe I'm just afraid of getting "attached?"

17 weeks 4 days and counting.

Sometimes

2011-07-24T12:22:00.002-05:00

All we need is a mommy hug.

Elisa came home yesterday for the first time since Wednesday. She was VERY happy to be home and once she walked into the room where I was, she found me on the couch and asked to be "up." She then snuggled down on my shoulder and laid there for a good five minutes. She just wanted a mommy hug.

And again, this morning, the thunderstorm woke her up so she got some extra time sleeping with us in bed. She was fighting going back to sleep and I was laying with my back to her when I suddenly feel her little hand on my arm, trying to lift it up. So I lean back and lift my arm up and down her head goes on my shoulder where she settles in and snoozes for about 10 minutes.

She may no longer want to cuddle herself to sleep with me, she may have turned into a total daddy's girl, but it's moments like these when I know she does still love me. And so I'll soak up as many mommy hugs as she wants.

17 weeks

2011-07-22T10:49:00.004-05:00

And still with the tummy bug!

Yeah, so I thought I'd miss out on it since both Elisa and Andrew came down with it on the same day last week. Not my luck. Not only did I come down with it, but I came down with a WORSE case of it than those two had. Started to fear I'd end up with IV fluids, but thankfully with the help of some zofran I started keeping food down and was able to gain enough liquids to stave off dehydration. I do think I've lost some weight though. The belly seems smaller than it did a week ago. Baby is fine though and I can feel the buggar kicking a lot at night. Loving it really. Didn't really get that sensation with Elisa.

So Elisa has been staying with Grandma for the last few days thanks to my bug and Andrew getting a seriously infected tooth. She's been making her presence known. Showing off her new skills.

Yup, she's learned how to turn on the dishwasher. She likes to randomly turn it on, then looks at us and claps her hands as if she's done something good. It's too cute but trying to teach her the appropriate times that she can and when she can't lol. She also likes to help "unload" the dishwasher. This is great, when the dishes are clean. But she doesn't quite understand the difference between the dirty dishes and clean dishes.

And onto the new little one. Yesterday, we were 17 weeks along. I am feeling very regular movements (yay!) one kick that was so strong it scared me lol. Here is the update on development:

Your baby's skeleton is changing from soft cartilage to bone, and the umbilical cord — her lifeline to the placenta — is growing stronger and thicker. Your baby weighs 5 ounces now (about as much as a turnip), and she's around 5 inches long from head to bottom. She can move her joints, and her sweat glands are starting to develop.

23 more weeks to go! Shots are getting a little better I think. Hard to tell when the same day I got the shot was the same day the virus hit me hard.

Family photos

2011-07-17T15:04:00.012-05:00

As a part of my birthday gift, my mom arranged for a good family friend to take some photos of the three of us, and we just have to pick one that she will blow up and get printed and framed for us. Below are the unedited photos, I just have to figure out which one to pick. I love elements of them all, and that means I can't pick a favorite. I'd love to know which one you like the best! If you could comment and say it could really help me narrow it down so I can edit as appropriate as I'm just too lazy to do them all. :)

#1

#2

#3

#4

#5

#6

#7

#8

#9

So far #5 is winning on facebook. What's your choice??

16 weeks & tummy bug?

2011-07-14T14:20:00.002-05:00

Another week down, another shot down. And yes, I did again experience dizziness, confusion and exhaustion immediately following and for most of the rest of the day. Dehydration? Impossible. I've drank pretty close to a gallon of water a day since they told me last week the symptoms were from dehydration. So after complaining about it again, a preemie mom friend of mine googled and let's just see what she found:

http://www.livestrong.com/article/240436-progesterone-supplement-side-effects/

Most interesting was the 4th paragraph.

"Central Nervous System Side Effects

Headaches affect around 31 percent of women taking progesterone supplements, and dizziness affects 15 percent of women. Progesterone can cause tiredness or severe drowsiness. Progesterone can act like a brain anesthetic, producing sedating and hypnotic effects, according to Women's Health Resource. In high doses, progesterone can reduce epileptic seizures and reduce preterm labor, Mood swings, irritability, anxiety, forgetfulness and impaired concentration and insomnia can also occur."

Really? Dizziness affects 15%? Mood swings? Irritability? Anxiety? Impaired concentration? Insomnia? Hello, you should put my photo next to this. Ever since I received that first shot, I've noticed the insomnia, irritability. Increased anxiety (ie FLASHBACKS). Headaches.

There are more side effects but these really are the main ones I've been dealing with. Just cracked me up, I don't think the nurse I called actually even really asked. They just assumed the symptoms were dehydration. The good news is that these will fade as my body gets used to the increased hormone.

Here's the 16 week update:
Get ready for a growth spurt. In the next few weeks, your baby will double his weight and add inches to his length. Right now, he's about the size of an avocado: 4 1/2 inches long (head to rump) and 3 1/2 ounces. His legs are much more developed, his head is more erect than it has been, and his eyes have moved closer to the front of his head. His ears are close to their final position, too. The patterning of his scalp has begun, though his locks aren't recognizable yet. He's even started growing toenails. And there's a lot happening inside as well. For example, his heart is now pumping about 25 quarts of blood each day, and this amount will continue to increase as your baby continues to develop.

Not much more to say than that on this baby. Random cravings, and regular parties are commencing. One woke me up at 4am. Must say my initial annoyance at being woken up that early went away very fast when I realized it was because I was getting the snot kicked out of me. :)

And on to the tummy bug. Yup. Another one. At least this child only seems to get tummy bugs and ear infections. Woke up this morning to a nice present in her crib. Unfortunately, Daddy has it to, so that leaves me to care for both. Going rather well since both of them are spending the day sleeping lol! Just hope this goes by fast. I can't afford to get sick. *sigh*

Random Simple pleasures

2011-07-13T13:11:00.004-05:00

*Driving on the open road with the sunroof open, music blaring, smelling the fresh air and sun shining on your shoulders.

*Listening to your daughter laugh with pure joy while playing with her.

*Hearing "I love you" come from her little mouth and having her arms wrapped around your neck.

*Feeling the muted kicks of this new little one.

*Reminders of how far we have come and how blessed we are

(I often forget how small she was. Seeing her head in relation to my hand is just a wow moment.)

Flashbacks

2011-07-11T14:56:00.003-05:00

So, I thought at 15 weeks I'd just be coasting, right? After all, this was the point in the pregnancy with Elisa where, well, not like everything went right but the main fear of miscarriage was gone and now it was just coasting until the baby came. So what is there to worry about at 15 weeks? And I have a game plan in place. Right?

Instead, it seems like they are escalating. I'm frustrated. I can't seem to count this pregnancy down as if it's "normal." Instead, those odd milestones hit me in the face.

5 more weeks until "halfway" but really, I'm technically already halfway through Elisa's pregnancy.

9 more weeks until viability.

11 more weeks until I was admitted.

14 more weeks until I delivered.

22 more weeks until term.

24 more weeks until delivery.

As much as I try not to think about these numbers, they insinuate their way into my mind when I least expect them. Those images flash into my mind. What happened last time at this stage? Where was I? What was I doing?

I don't think it helps that the due dates between the two are just two weeks apart. So much of what I was thinking/doing/feeling was happening at just about the same time.

So I enjoy it while I can. While these thoughts are blissfully silent. I contemplate names and big girl room colors and ideas for Elisa. But I'd be lying if I said these thoughts weren't far from the forefront. I just hope and pray that they fade as time goes along.

15 weeks and p17

2011-07-07T09:57:00.003-05:00

Let me say OUCH!

The actual shot wasn't so bad, but the after effects were. I'm STILL sore today. My back seized up after a while and sleeping was difficult. But oh well, it is ALL worth it for that full term baby in December.

And it was rather amusing. The nurse giving me the shot was asking about the co-pay, etc for the shot and how much it cost. I told her and she got all excited. Handed me a form from Ther-RX saying they could help me out with the costs and probably get me the shot for free! Poor girl didn't realize who Ther-RX was. When I asked her if that was Makena, she said yes and the rep had just been there. I explained to her the drama around Makena and how I would NOT be giving any of my money or business to that company lol. She understood entirely and entirely dropped it.

I did also have another effect that I thought was a side effect of the medication. After the shot I became extremely tired, confused and dizzy. I mean I was typing gibberish, even though the words in my mind were coming out right and couldn't figure out why the words looked funny on the screen. Turns out, I was dehydrated. Dehydrated!? How much freaking water do I need to drink to stay hydrated?

So we have made it to 15 weeks. And I do think I've felt kicking already! Seems odd with it being sooo late until I felt it with Elisa. I'm hoping this means the placenta is not anterior and I'll get loads of movement from this baby.

Development at 15 weeks:
Your growing baby now measures about 4 inches long, crown to rump, and weighs in at about 2 1/2 ounces (about the size of an apple). She's busy moving amniotic fluid through her nose and upper respiratory tract, which helps the primitive air sacs in her lungs begin to develop. Her legs are growing longer than her arms now, and she can move all of her joints and limbs. Although her eyelids are still fused shut, she can sense light. If you shine a flashlight at your tummy, for instance, she's likely to move away from the beam. There's not much for your baby to taste at this point, but she is forming taste buds. Finally, if you have an ultrasound this week, you may be able to find out whether your baby's a boy or a girl! (Don't be too disappointed if it remains a mystery, though. Nailing down your baby's sex depends on the clarity of the picture and on your baby's position. He or she may be modestly curled up or turned in such a way as to "hide the goods.")

In other news, Elisa has definitely learned manipulation. She is genuinely terrified of thunder. This I do not doubt. Her reaction is to true to it and every time. If you leave her to try to work through it herself, it escalates her panic. So it's easier to just pick her up and comfort her. I'm sure she'll out grow it in due time.

However...she seems to have made the connection between mommy and daddy think she's scared so they will pick me up. So last night, she didn't want to sleep yet. She sat in her crib screaming at the top of her lungs (Thunder! Thunder!) in between gut wrenching sobs. It wasn't thundering. It wasn't even cloudy....I went in to settle her back down and she tried desperately to get out of the crib. Grabbed onto my neck with a death grip that it took a bit to untangle and lay her back down, to where she tried to get back up again. This went on for 30 minutes....stubborn butt.

Fall apart

2011-07-06T10:42:00.006-05:00

I heard this song on the radio this morning on my way to my first p17 shot and it struck a chord.

It's so true. Never did I feel God more than when I was laying in that bed not knowing if my child would live or die if she came now. Never did I feel more peace than I did at that moment when I knew the fight was over. And something that defies so much logic can only be God.

"'Cause my whole world is caving in
But I feel you now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
But somehow still have all I need?
God I want to know you more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find you when I fall apart."

Odd dreams?

2011-07-05T11:42:00.002-05:00

I don't necessarily know if dreams are ever "foreshadowing" of events to come. I'm more along the lines of it's telling me what I'm worrying about.

So last night, when I finally got to sleep, I dreamed that I was in pre-term labor again. In Arizona and in the hospital. The doctor who was my primary care peri, and is now retired, came and took me out of the hospital, mag drip and all. Placed me into a personal car, which my mother was driving, to take me to a different hospital so that he could "try again" to get me to term. As if it bothered him that I didn't with Elisa. I woke up after he took me back to the original hospital because it was better for me than the one he was trying to sneak me into anyway.

I guess despite all my laid back, it is what it is, thoughts and feelings, I'm more worried about it than even I realize? It kind of was brought to the fore front as well when I received an initial hiccup to the p17 shots. The insurance company denied the initial request to have the shots brought to me and given to me at home. When I first heard the news, it made me wonder will they deny them all together? And it really upset me. Turns out I'll just have to drive to the doctor's office once a week. Rather depressing start to a week that was followed by a great holiday weekend.

14 weeks & new room preparations

2011-06-30T10:12:00.005-05:00

Yay for 14 weeks. Only 26 more until 40 weeks!

This week's big developments: Your baby can now squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his thumb! Thanks to brain impulses, his facial muscles are getting a workout as his tiny features form one expression after another. His kidneys are producing urine, which he releases into the amniotic fluid around him — a process he'll keep up until birth. He can grasp, too, and if you're having an ultrasound now, you may even catch him sucking his thumb.

In other news: Your baby's stretching out. From head to bottom, he measures 3 1/2 inches — about the size of a lemon — and he weighs 1 1/2 ounces. His body's growing faster than his head, which now sits upon a more distinct neck. By the end of this week, his arms will have grown to a length that's in proportion to the rest of his body. (His legs still have some lengthening to do.) He's starting to develop an ultra-fine, downy covering of hair, called lanugo, all over his body. Your baby's liver starts making bile this week — a sign that it's doing its job right — and his spleen starts helping in the production of red blood cells. Though you can't feel his tiny punches and kicks yet, your little pugilist's hands and feet (which now measure about 1/2 inch long) are more flexible and active.

Other than tired and hormonal, I'm hanging in there. And I've developed a rather odd craving for McDonald's of all food. Seriously, this baby has some taste. Why can't I crave something good for me? Like fruit?

We got Elisa's bedding in the mail this week and she was soooo excited. She immediately jumped on the package and demanded that we take it out for her to look at and play with. She gets angry when we take it away and put it up lol.

She also has discovered running. It's so hilarious watching her run back and forth in the room, her little shoulders pushed back and this look of pure ecstasy on her face. You can just see in her eyes her imagination as she sees the wind in her hair, etc. It's so cute. She also has started breaking into random song, a combination of Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star, ABC song and Old McDonald. She really is growing up before my very eyes.

Busy weekend

2011-06-26T18:32:00.004-05:00

But not too busy that we weren't able to enjoy the simple things in life. Like splashing in water!

Saturday, however, was a day of productivity. Daddy and Elisa went out and had a great daddy and me day and I stayed home and began work on the guest room. I got my list made, the extra stuff we've stored in there for 6 years for who knows why, tossed out. We made room in our bedroom closet to move stuff into there that was stored in the guest room closet by giving away any clothes we haven't worn in years. I got the bedding purchased and the painting party "on the calendar."

Lets just say that the 2nd trimester energy must be in some ways coming in. However, I may have over done it as I spent yesterday evening and all of today just flat worn out.

But I'm excited. I showed Elisa my idea for her new room and she got really excited (as much as a 19 month old can. But she did jump up and down on her knees and point at the screen with an excited noise when I showed it to her.)

I'm hoping by involving her as much as I can in the process, the transition to the new room will go much smoother. My goal is to have her room done by August so we can start naps in the new room then and hopefully by her birthday have her transitioned entirely to the new room. That gives me two months to clean out the nursery and get it prepared for Shrimp, and Elisa 2 months to adjust to the new surroundings before her world goes completely upside down.

Odd longings

2011-06-24T21:14:00.002-05:00

Pregnancy after a preemie.

It's a rather daunting prospect. In some ways, it's allowed me to be able to relax a little bit more and enjoy this pregnancy more. I'm not so scared this time around. Not like I was with Elisa. Every appointment I went to for Elisa, I was terrified she would be gone. Every day I waited for that other shoe to drop.

But thanks to what I went through with her, I know so much more. And it's allowed me to fight to get what I needed from the medical field so far. It's made me a "priority" with the doctor's office. I love my OB, but I wasn't too thrilled with her back staff. And this time, I'm not scared every time I go in. Even when I went in for spotting, I still wasn't scared. It's sort of like I just have this peace with this one. That it is what it is and it's going to turn out how it will turn out. It's like in having my heart broken and picking up the pieces and carrying them around has in some odd way increased my faith in God. As I've said before, He gave me everything He promised me He would. Just wasn't the way I would have liked it.

So that being said, I will admit to a few things. And the reason I'm writing tonight. I just feel a need to say it.

Flashbacks. Yes. They are back. Those last 3 weeks of my pregnancy with Elisa keep flashing through my mind at odd random moments. Don't really have any pattern to them. They just appear. I'm told from friends who have had pregnancies after traumatic ones like having a preemie, that this is common and that they will most likely escalate badly from 26-29 weeks and then once I'm beyond 30 weeks will slow down and even possibly go away. I hope so. For the most part I'm handling them ok. But they do make me sad.

In addition, I find myself with this odd desire to go back to Arizona. I think it's because it's "known." I know how things work at that hospital. I know the people. I know the NICU. I know how it works and runs and how to work the battles that inevitably come up there. I know who to turn to in order to get something done. It's just known. And in a world of unknown right now, it's comforting.

Doesn't mean I'll go back. Still want to have this baby term and at home. But someday, I will go back to show Elisa where she started her life and hopefully meet some of the amazing people who helped make it possible for her to come home.

Week 13 and shrimp!

2011-06-23T15:21:00.004-05:00

Yeah, maybe it's this description that I really got the Shrimp nickname with Elisa? Lol, oh well. Here we are at 13 weeks:

Fingerprints have formed on your baby's tiny fingertips, her veins and organs are clearly visible through her still-thin skin, and her body is starting to catch up with her head — which makes up just a third of her body size now. If you're having a girl, she now has more than 2 million eggs in her ovaries. Your baby is almost 3 inches long (the size of a medium shrimp) and weighs nearly an ounce.

I'm exhausted and not sleeping. Not just from Elisa being sick but just from constant back aches when I lay down. But this too shall pass!

Elisa seems to be doing better. Fever only spiked the once yesterday precipitating the visit to the doctor. We gave her motrin today when she started acting like another was coming on. She's still not eating well but we've found a trick with the nebulizer.

Apparently giving her the piece she can bite and chew and then putting cartoons on loudly to cover up the sound of the neb and medicine coming through the tubes keeps her occupied. So far she's taken in parts of Finding Nemo and Veggie Tales the Star of Christmas. As much as I love singing to her, singing for 15 minutes straight is hard lol. Glad this has worked. Plus it seems to be keeping her much calmer and less distressed than just my singing.

What a night!

2011-06-23T01:08:00.002-05:00

Fun times right?

I've avoided this scene for 19 months. Rather surprised I've gotten away with it for that long. So was the doctor and nurse we saw tonight when they realized how early she had been. I also found it quite interesting how concerned they became when they heard her lungs and then found out how early she was. Seemed to ramp up their concern a little bit about her lungs sounding so bad.

So what's the story? Well, ever since we came back from vacation, Elisa just hasn't been herself. Up hours at night screaming. We couldn't find a cause. No fever, no nothing. She's had a bit of a runny nose and a cough and was pulling at her ear. So we watched her, suspecting an ear infection, but with the absence of any sort of fever (which was really high the last time she had one) just thought maybe she had a little cold.

Then we find the molar. AHA. Cause of it all, right? Wrong. The fever told me so. Teething does not cause fevers. So off to the doctor we go. We also thought she may have had a UTI due to some other symptoms she had.

The result? The ear infection we suspected. Pretty badly I guess as it warranted medications this time. That and to kill two birds with one stone. It's possible she does have a UTI but the doc didn't want to test as the meds for the ear infection would clear it up if she did. Her lungs were full in all quadrants but the bottom. Joy. Oh joy oh joy. So home we went, our arms full of medications and a new addition to our family. A nebulizer. I don't think I've ever heard or seen her scream quite so much as she did when she saw that mask coming towards her. And I have to do this 4 times a day for the next 2 at least. If not longer. Depending on how she sounds on Friday.

Fun times. She's zonked out. Wish I could be.

12 weeks

2011-06-18T20:17:00.004-05:00

So, I'll try to post every week right now and hopefully this time, we get to week 39.

We have made it to the all important "12 week" mark. Meaning the risk of miscarriage has dropped dramatically. So Shrimp #2 is well on his or her way to term. As term is our next battle.

The most dramatic development this week: Reflexes. Your baby's fingers will soon begin to open and close, his toes will curl, his eye muscles will clench, and his mouth will make sucking movements. In fact, if you prod your abdomen, your baby will squirm in response, although you won't be able to feel it. His intestines, which have grown so fast that they protrude into the umbilical cord, will start to move into his abdominal cavity about now, and his kidneys will begin excreting urine into his bladder. From crown to rump, your baby-to-be is just over two inches long (about the size of a lime) and weighs half an ounce.

I've been able to find the heart beat since week 10 (yay!) but not regularly. Shrimp does like to hide from me on a regular basis. But I always find them again. I hope we don't like to play hide and seek as much as Elisa did though.

So you may be wondering what our "plan of action" is. Well, if you remember back a few months ago when I was ranting all about Makena and the p17 shot? So I will be placed on the p17 but have already made it clear to my provider that I do NOT want the Makena version. Since they are still making the compounded versions, I have that right. Starting at week 14, I will begin receiving these shots weekly until week 37. I will be monitored much more closely and even will be receiving cervix length checks (I'm assuming by ultrasound, I haven't asked the method yet) beginning at week 18. They are doing this just to make sure an incompetent cervix wasn't the cause of Elisa's PTL. I've become familiar with the local perinatal group who will take on my care if I do end up in pre-term labor again and they will be consulting with my OB. Don't worry, I did scout out a new OB well in advance to embarking on this journey. And they are stating that unless I am contracting, there is NO reason to take Shrimp at week 37 and that I can go as long as 39 weeks. I'm hoping for every week and 39 weeks would be awesome! So that's how it stands at the moment.

In other news, we just returned home from an AWESOME vacation.

Elisa is a GREAT traveler. She handled each new place with ease and slept fairly well for the most part. Only had trouble with her one night, really. All the others, she adjusted to the time change and the different surroundings with ease. We drove up to Michigan and saw my aunts and uncles from my mom's side and then returned home through St. Louis where we saw two old friends and even stopped to visit the zoo. It was a BLAST and we are still trying to recover from all the excitement. I think we'll need a week to get our energy back. I'm glad we planned it to have at least a weekend to recover before getting back to the grind.

Puddle jumping and....

2011-06-10T17:32:00.005-05:00

(sorry for the blurriness. I took these using zoom on my phone camera, and well, it just isn't good lol)

Elisa has loved water from the very beginning. I've heard over and over about babies who can't stand bath time. Many say it's because they are cold or something like that. Regardless of the cold or not, Elisa has always LOVED her bath.

No surprise that puddles would also attract her. And boy did we find some puddles.

We did not, however, enjoy the sand in certain parts of the puddle if we were standing in it. However, we did get massive enjoyment out of flinging the sand and water up in the air and onto ourselves. The result?

What's that on her shirt? Besides the dirt? I'm a big sister?

Yup. Shrimp #2 is safely baking away so far. Due December 29th (Daddy's birthday!!!) However, if I manage to get to term, the longest they will let me go is December 22nd. So here's praying for 26 more LONG UNEVENTFUL weeks.

It's all about perspective...again

2011-06-08T18:51:00.003-05:00

I realized something today as we were hanging out at the pool. Met the father of a 9 month old.

And we began discussing the birth weight of our babies. He has a rather large 9 month old and said her birth weight with pride.

And I, just as prideful, announced that Elisa was 2 lb 13 oz at birth.

Didn't go further and he didn't ask. Maybe he assumed she was early. Either way, it didn't matter.

I'm PROUD of my preemie. And am amazed by her.

We went on to discuss current weight. I'll admit. I chuckled when he said this 9 mo old was 3 lbs heavier than my 19 month old.

Ahh. The passage of time.

Fun in the sun!

2011-06-05T19:09:00.004-05:00

This is what I will call a lazy post. In other words, nothing but pictures. Enjoy!

Oh, well, these need captions. Like mother, like daughter...we are "organizing" the cups.

Dunkin' Daddy!

Why I share Elisa's story

2011-06-01T19:43:00.003-05:00

John 9:1-4

New International Version (NIV)

John 9
Jesus Heals a Man Born Blind
1 As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. 2 His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?”

3 “Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him. 4 As long as it is day, we must do the works of him who sent me. Night is coming, when no one can work.

Now, the verse starts out a bit strange when you think about the point of the story. But without the start, the end doesn't make much sense.

You are probably wondering, what does this have to do with sharing Elisa's story? Well, it's like verse three says "but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him."

Elisa's story is amazing. Scary, but amazing. She survived and thrived. I personally believe it's because of God. She was meant to be here, God made it happen. It's like a fellow preemie mom said:

"It is entirely God's Providence and Grace. At least, it is so in my book. I remember feeling the entire time on bedrest this strange Peace and Comfort, knowing that everything will be a-ok. When I delivered my son at 28,3, I kept thinking - 'this can't be, God promised me it will be ok'. Guess what? God delivered. He did not reneg on His promise. It's just that it went down differently than I thought it would."

I feel much the same way. I share her story so that maybe others in the same shoes will see it and have hope. That maybe they will believe and maybe they will find the same comfort I have found. No things didn't go the way I wanted them to, but they had a purpose. God delivered to me what I asked for, a healthy baby girl.

Truly amazing!

2011-05-26T18:41:00.004-05:00

While putting more of the baby book together, I found Elisa's footprint and hand print stamps from when she was almost 1 month old.

And I had this light bulb moment when I looked at her feet now. There is nothing like proof in a picture to truly tell you how amazing this is.

I don't know if every first time parent feels this way when they see how far their baby has come or not. I just know this melts my heart. I never truly thought I'd bring her home. I spent our entire NICU stay stealing myself for what I thought was inevitable.

I'm so glad she proved me wrong.

In this, baby girl, you are definitely allowed to say "I told you so!"

Baby book

2011-05-26T16:05:00.003-05:00

Yeah. I finally got around to doing Elisa's baby book.

You are probably going...she's almost 19 months old? You are just NOW getting to it?

Yup. I am finally at the place where I can go in and fill out "first months milestones" without wanting to bury my face in my hands and bawl. Milestones such as "learned to eat from the bottle" or "stopped having bradycardia" weren't as painful to write down. I don't think I was emotionally able to handle filling out milestones when in the beginning, she was so far behind and that wasn't how I imagined myself filling the book out when I bought it.

There are a lot of holes in her book, and I just think there will always be. You can't really fit her story into a pre-printed baby book meant for the typical delivery. Plus, the older she gets, the more my memories of when things happened fades.

So I am just waiting for the photos to be printed and then I can call it "complete." And it feels great. Now Elisa can look back at her unique story when she is older, and I hope she reads it and realizes just how special she is.

Visiting my Uncle Mike

2011-05-21T19:57:00.007-05:00

This weekend, mommy, daddy, grandma and grandpa and I went to visit my Uncle Mike in Springfield. It was a loooong car ride, but I did really well. I even stayed up REALLY late and slept pretty well, although Grandpa did wake me up awfully early the next morning. Mommy and Daddy coulda used more sleep. But I like my Uncle Mike and his dog Elvis. My mommy and her brother just have something about names that start with El...oh well. It's a nice name. :) In the picture above, Uncle Mike was playing with Elvis and I decided his lap was a cool place to be. So I sat down.

I also got to try my first ever ICE CREAM CONE!

Of course I made a mess! What kind of toddler would I be if I didn't smear it all over myself.

Grandma tried to get a picture of mommy, daddy and I, but it's really hard for me to sit still and the sun was in mommy and daddy's eyes, so this was the best one grandma could get.

Oh, and I don't miss my baba at all! Daddy is a smart daddy and thought it would be a good idea to warm my milk a little bit for my morning and night time drink and it helps a LOT. I don't even notice that it's not a baba and am still drinking a lot, although it's really different. I don't drink a lot in one sitting anymore, just a little bit all through the day. It's kinda nice because I don't have to sit in one place for too long. I can take a drink when I want it and put it down and go play and come back when I want some more.

And guess what??? Grandma and Grandpa King bought me a PLAY KITCHEN! I LOVE it!!!

So it's well past my bed time and I better get to sleep before mommy realizes I'm playing on the computer. Bye!!!

Tomorrow is a big day!

2011-05-17T19:29:00.006-05:00

It is?

Yes, it is. You see, we've reached another milestone in growing up. We are saying "buh-bye" to the

baba.

"Say what?"

That's right. We've been cleared to go entirely to cow's milk, so we are going cold turkey on the baba.

I'm not sure either Elisa or I are ready for this. I remember well those early days, begging her to drink from her bottle.

Every cc through the bottle was a celebration and one step closer to going home.

Every bottle was a bonding experience. I still cherish that bed time bottle, the time she falls asleep on me and snores softly while I breathe in her scent.

Seems like just yesterday she took her first bottle. Now we have just had our last.

Rebuilding Nashville - Last day!

2011-05-13T18:02:00.003-05:00

And here is our final update from our crew:

Well, we did it! We got everything done on our to do list and then some. The house that Le Ann, Sue, Dennis, and Andrew worked on only needs one or two more weeks to be 100% ready to move in. The house Mike and Joe worked on will take a little more time but not much.

We are going out to an authentic Italian restaurant to celebrate! Tomorrow we get up bright and early to head home. It was a great week!

To all of you who helped with financial support - THANKS!

Another video of my miracle

2011-05-12T13:37:00.000-05:00

You'll see her at 2 min and 2:30. This was done by Peek a boo ICU, a facebook page dedicated to empowering the preemie parent.

http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/peekabooicuRN

Rebuilding Nashville - Day #3

2011-05-11T19:32:00.000-05:00

House #1.

The homeowner comes everyday to see the progress. Today he was so overcome with the progress he broke down and cried.

Mike and Joe hung light fixtures until they found out that one outlet was wired incorrectly and was very dangerous to work on! They got the crown moulding up and baseboards finished. Tomorrow they will do some tiling in the bathroom.

House #2

The theme for the day was "improvise" We need saw horses to pre-paint the window trim so we made some out of the doors that were still in boxes. We used paint cans to prop up doors so we could paint them. Dennis and Andrew worked on installing doors that didn't quite fit so it was not an easy process but the door is in and level! Le Ann is determined to get the walls right in the hallway so Sue can paint them tomorrow.

I've been forgetting to tell about the awesome dinners Amy has been making for us. Monday we had stuffed manicotti with salad and pineapple upside down cake for desert.

Tuesday was Italian pork roast, baked potatoes, and bacon, lettuce and tomato salad followed by turtle brownies. Then today we had pork tacos and fresh pineapple and strawberries followed by fruit pizza.....

This may be the first mission trip where we gain weight!

Rebuilding Nashville - Day #2

2011-05-10T20:00:00.004-05:00

Here's the update from our hard at work crew in Nashville for today:

Joe and Mike finished all the baseboards at house #1
They also got the windows trimmed out and found a radio so they had tunes!

House #2

More painting, painting, painting

Amy did all the baseboards!

LeAnn touched up more sheetrock getting it ready to be painted

We should be done with the painting tomorrow so we will move on to hanging doors and trimming out windows! While others were busy painting, Andrew fixed the plumbing for the hot water heater.

It was HOT and our home is in a complex with a pool. We had to walk by the pool everytime we used the rest room and it was so tempting to just jump in but I think we would have left too much paint in the pool!

Rebuilding Nashville

2011-05-09T19:53:00.006-05:00

Last May, Nashville was hit by one of the worst disasters that hit Tennessee since the Civil War. Many homes were damaged.

Every year, one small group from my church, Quest 2819, make a trip to help rebuild. Since 2005, we've been on several trips to New Orleans, and last year we made a trip to Cedar Rapids, Iowa. This year, we chose Tennessee. Sadly, this is the first year that I missed. But someone had to stay home with the 'Tinker.

So early yesterday morning, a crew of 7 headed out on a 10 hour drive. Here is the update from our crew:

Up and ready for our 6:30 am meeting with the contractor.

Mike and Joe went to house #1 to hang doors and do trim work. This house is home to an elderly gentleman who is soooo ready to get back home. And then he was in a wreck and hurt both knees. He is tired, frustrated, and ready

Le Anne, Sue, Andrew, Dennis and Amy went to house #2. The homeowner is a single woman who will really appreciate some quality work as some of the prior volunteers have not had the best of skills. We painted 3 rooms, repaired some sheet rock and cleaned up some. Most of the work for this home consists of small tasks but they are tedious and will take most of the week.

Amy made stuffed manicotti that smelled AWESOME! The manicotti smelled so good so we showered fast! (One of the perks of having a foodie as a chef. ;) )

House #1

House #2 with a view of the river in the background.

Dennis, the organizer of all of our trips.

Le Anne, our fearless crew leader.

Andrew hard at work.

Mother's day fun

2011-05-08T16:10:00.003-05:00

Happy Mother's day mommy!

18 month stats

2011-05-06T21:13:00.002-05:00

Just a quick update. Elisa heard my plea yesterday. She is 20.5 lbs, 31 inches tall with a 17 inch circumference head. She's 3rd percentile for weight, 28th for height and, well, still not on the charts for head circumference. She just has a small head. Oh well. The size of the head does NOT indicate intelligence because the girl is scary smart. One shot which she handled like a champ. The nice elephant cookie jar wiped away all of our tears and we passed out in bed with no problems. We have the official "blessing" to get off the formula and start the cows milk. Makes mama a bit nervous. But my baby is growing. It's only fitting.

Bad day

2011-05-05T19:15:00.002-05:00

This about summed up my day. Thank goodness tomorrow is Friday! Hopefully it goes much better. E's 18 month check up is tomorrow, though. Here's hoping for finally breaking that freaking 20lb mark that I've been begging for since she turned a year and we just have not managed to break it yet. The way the child is eating, she should. Plus, she outgrew her infant carrier so I'm assuming she's GOT to be 20lbs.

Oh please, E, give mommy something to smile about and be 20lbs!

Frustrated!

2011-05-04T18:41:00.002-05:00

Yes. I'm frustrated.

The type A in me is really raring it's head. My house is a MESS. It's no one's fault but my own. My household paperwork is an absolute rat's nest of random piles. My desk is 10 inches high of paperwork that needs to be filed that there is no room to file it in because I haven't been able to rotate the old out.

My dilemma is working 40 hours a week. From 8-5. Yes, I work from home and yes Elisa is at home with me. It doesn't mean that I get to spend any quality time with her during that time period. So by the time work is over, I just want to play with her. By the time she's down in bed, I'm so exhausted from working and playing with her that the last thing I want to do is organize all that crap. When the weekend comes, there is always something going on to keep one very active 18 month old occupied and more family time.

My family is my priority! How do I balance my family life, work life and still get all that household maintenance done? Saturday mornings used to be my clean the house time. Not anymore.

I know if I just kept on top of it it would not be such an un-surmountable task but I have yet to figure out HOW. Part of me goes, I don't have the space. The other part of me thinks I don't have the right tools. I've changed to an electronic filing/organization system for my work items but I can't do that for my home items because I don't have a personal computer.

We have a good split of tasks between Andrew and I, but Andrew is not the organized one. That's me. And it is frustrating me to no end that this is so far behind. I feel like I need just a whole week to just really go through and get this all DONE. But WHEN will I EVER have time for that.

*sigh* Ok rant over. For now I guess. If any of my busy mom friends reading this have any suggestions, I'm all ears. Literally. That's all you can see of me from all this crap piled up.

Why do we walk?

2011-05-01T12:56:00.004-05:00

http://www.onetruemedia.com/shared?p=dddc18dce1af918d633734&skin_id=1901&utm_source=otm&utm_medium=text_url

(silly blogger doesn't render the embedded code right, so please follow the link to watch the awesome video!!!)

This is why we walk. In addition to being one of the babies in the video. One day, hopefully, there will not be a need for videos like this, because all babies will be born healthy and term.

A big thank you to all those who supported us. Digium, Paveguard, The Bobo's, The Erickson's, The Sokol's, The Sanderson's, the White's and The Edward's. I love you all.

More time

2011-04-28T20:41:00.005-05:00

I needed more time. Elisa needed more time.

Tonight I came across two songs. Both of which struck a chord as a preemie mom. One was actually about the artists preemie. Another, was simply lamenting how things didn't go as they wanted them to.

"I hoped that you could understand
That this is not what I had planned
Please don’t worry now
It will turn around

Cause I need more time
Just a few more months and we’ll be fine
So say what’s on your mind
Cause I can’t figure out just what’s inside"

As I was listening to it, I could see myself looking at her in that isolette, and telling her "I'm sorry." And her telling me "It will be ok."

And then there is this one. The one actually written about the artists preemie.

One line is the artists child talking to him:

"I see it in your eyes, I see it in your eyes, you'll be alright."

And it struck me. The entire 6 weeks we were in the NICU, it wasn't me telling Elisa it will be ok. We'll get through this. You'll see. Just wait. Just a little bit more. You'll be ok.

In fact...SHE told ME. Through the fleeting smiles she would give when she felt me walk into the room. Through the snuggling down on me during kangaroo care. For the sheer amount of love shining in her eyes when she looked at me. The way she would scoot to the side of the isolette that I was sitting on. It didn't matter what side she started on, within 30 minutes, she had scooted herself over to my side to be as close to me as possible.

Even after she choked. Turned blue. And I thought she was going to die. Even then, she told me she'd be alright. She fought back. She amazed the doctors with her tenacity. Her "go-getter-ness." She never thought she was a preemie and early. She thought she was just little, and she should be able to do everything any other baby should do at that age.

And as she's grown, she's continued to tell me. I may not always listen. I may still worry. But she keeps telling me.

I was supposed to be the one comforting her. Instead she comforted me. I was supposed to be her strength. Instead, she gave me strength.

See, ma? I'm ok. It's ok.

I continue to be impressed by her strength. I love you baby girl. And some day I hope to be strong enough to comfort you.

While Mommy's away...

2011-04-20T09:13:00.002-05:00

The kiddo's will play...

Growing up

2011-04-09T13:05:00.007-05:00

This picture makes me a little sad. Why, you ask? Because in it, to me, she no longer looks like my little girl. She looks so "big" and "mature." In reality, she's not, but she just looks so grown up in this outfit from this angle.

It sort of reminds me of the lyrics of the song by Blink - Revive

"It happens in a blink, it happens in a flash, it happens in the time it takes to look back. I try to hold on tight but there's no stopping time."

It seems like just yesterday we were here:

"Slow down, slow down, before today becomes our yesterday."

For right now, for once in my life, I am content where I am. In this morning of my life. Long may that contentment continue. No longing for tomorrow. Or wishing for yesterday.

In this moment. Here. Now. I could just watch. (Yes, I know she's got a broom in her hand...she insisted. Guess it's her new "lovey?")

Sweetest words ever

2011-04-08T11:51:00.003-05:00

"She is caught up."

Yup. That is the assessment by our Parents as Teachers instructor anyway. Who says she is working with her on 17 month old activities. She no longer sees a delay in ANY area.

Take THAT prematurity!

Oh no!

2011-04-07T19:33:00.004-05:00

I shared with mommy!

Yup. Gave her my tummy bug. And she's not too happy about it. I try to make her feel better by bringing her the heating pad and snuggling with her for a nap and showering her with kisses.

I love you mommy! Sorry I shared. Feel better soon.